If God Had Food Poisoning From A Sketchy Italian Eatery It Would Be MTV's 'The Jersey Shore'

I just witnessed the death of television. It involved MTV and a bunch of self-proclaimed "Guido's & Guidettes." I realize Jersey Shore has been on television now for a better part of a year and has a fairly devout following consisting of either fellow douchebags/douchettes or in the majority of cases people who just want to see this spectacle unfold. Watching it, I felt like back in 2001 when the twin towers were crumbling before my eyes and the horror of reality. It was hard to watch, yet I watched it anyway. Well, welcome to 2010 some 9 years later and Osama has struck again by executively producing this show (maybe not directly, but Taliban HAS to be funding this). I write this on the brink of Season 2 premiere tonight, Thursday July 29th on MTV where the cast moves from the slums of Jersey to Miami to party with/no where near CB1, LeBron and Wade, where I think every cast member, may actually appear more tanned then those three.




So let this outrage begin. Here I am eating a peanut butter and jam sandwhich, a classic, with some orange juice flipping through the complete dullness that is Saturday afternoon television. Last thing I remember I was flipping past sports updates on The Score and the next thing I know I'm blinking for the first time in 35mins, I can't remember my name and it appears I've just botched my own suicide by not tying the noose tight enough. When I look up and onto the television I see how I got myself into this situation...Mike "The Situation" is staring me down flexing his muscles and attempting to teach me how to maintain looking good at all times by following "G.T.L. baby" or in other words working out, tanning and doing laundry. Thanks Mike, I'll remember that the next time I go out. You're a life saver!

So after I take my neck out of the noose and sit back down on the bed contemplating how many people would show up to my funeral, I look back up and another episode is starting. It seems I've come across a Jersey Shore marathon on MTV. Well, well, aren't I lucky. Perhaps with a lot of focus, or none at all, depending on how you look at it, I can sit through one of these episodes and find out what all this fuss is about. Why is this a popular show? Well from what I can tell just based on the opending credits is that the Jersey Shore is just a cheap Real World filmed in Little Italy Jersey. As the show goes on, its basically just that. A bunch of Italian, highly egotistical and sexually and aesthetically driven Italians living under one roof. There isn't much special about the show and I don't think the creators even believe themselves that it is some feat in reality television. The only difference between The Jersey Shore and shows similar such as The Real World and Big Brother, is that there are a lot more arguements, physical fights, pasta, tans and a troll that lives in the house. I thought this a bit odd at first that they would incorporate this mythical woodland creature normally found in fairy tales and fantasy films, but perhaps they were trying to bring a new audience demographic into the fold and thought a troll....wait....is that a girl? Holy hell.

Snooki. Okay, so while I'm wasting my Thursday afternoon writing this blobetorial on Jersey Shore, I might as well start by talking about the biggest waste of space on this planet, Snooki. I'm sure she's a sweet gal, but only when she doesn't talk, it's pitch black and I don't have a face because it was biten off by a racoon. Her appearance alone gives me that feeling I just ate something that has gone bad in my fridge, quick give me a garbage can or a sink so I can spit this out immediately feeling. You know that time in space between when you realize it has gone bad and when you get to spit it out? It's horrible. It's as if you're suffocating, feel like vomitting and wishing you could erase this experience out of your memory after its over with because you'll never look at that peice of food/drink the same way all in less than 3 seconds. Well Snooki's appearance is similar in all the same ways I've just listed. I feel sick, want to erase this from my memory and TV will never be the same. Then she opens her mouth. I don't even need to explain it in a creative way. Instead I decided to pull out my tape recorder and actually recorded from my television a conversation with Snooki and her new "gorilla juicehead" boyfriend.

In light of this part of my blobetorial I will call Snooki by her Troll name, Snookidorf.

Snookidorf: Meatball, Meatball?
Gorilla BF: How many balls do you want?
Snookidorf: I want two...in my face.

Snookidorf aside: Well, I'm done Snookin...for love. I found an amazing gorilla juicehead.

Gorilla BF: What? No Sausage?
Snookidorf: No, I didn't make sausage. You have that.

Snookidorf aside: Me and Emilio have been together for two and half months. I really don't want to cheat, like seriously I don't want to, but you know, if you're going to hand me a bottle of fricken SoCo something just comes over me, I just go crazy.

Snookidorf and her boyfriend are then shown in her room with her boyfriend Emilio with a spray on tan gun directed towards Snooki's face and her pulling back her hair.

Snookidorf: Just one more
Gorilla BF: One more?
Snookidorf: Yeah
Gorilla BF: Three coats? Jesus...

Sprays her like a guy spraying an ant hill with raid.

Snookidorf aside: I don't go tanning anymore because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning and I feel like he did that intentionally for us. McCain wouldn't have put a 10% tax on tanning...because he's pale and he'd probably want to be tanned.

Do I need to say more? I think she explains what I mean herself plus I don't want to talk about her anymore...it hurts my brain. The tan, the hair, the outfits, the walk, all that she cherishes as her good qualities just cries out to me to make fun of her and considering this blog is my Mt. Olympus of judgement, Snooki and the rest of her "crew" recieve no quater.

The rest of the crew are just as bad. Some less prodominent than others and the ones I won't really go into (Vinnie, Sweetheart and Ronnie) because I could think of about 101 things off the top of my head I'd rather be doing than this, but I have to, I must. Anyway, Pauly D and Mike "The Situation" are absolutely ridiculous. I can't really put into words how these two douchebags make my self esteem rise to new and exciting heights. Instead of dancing around, pumping their fists they should go on a nationwide tour to highschools with the motto "Don't worry, if you're fat or have acne or are shy around girls/guys at least you don't dress, act, and cut your hair like us." All these guys do on the show is attempt to pick up girls and fail on epic proportions. Sure they get some girls back to their place, but not once do they ever score or have really any luck out of the clubs at all, yet they continue to think as themselves as if God was Italian's house warming gift to women. Mike "The Situation" is the worst of them both. In an attempt to explain who he is, Mike has been quoted to say “This situation is indescribable. You can’t even describe the situation that you’re about to get into the situation.” They're obsessed with bringing girls back to the hot tub. Gee whiz, let's use the next best thing to a date rape drug and seduce a girl who is drunk back to a hot tub where we can take her top off and make out a little. Maybe if we're lucky we can have sex and with every thurst shove dirty highly chemical treated water up her 'calzone.' This guy constantly swings for the fences and comes back from the bar with either A) beer goggles covered in mud worthy girl with clearly low self esteem or B) his friend Pauly D. I seriously do not understand how these two take themselves seriously let alone any one else in the world around them take them seriously. Just look at Pauly D's hair? I recently saw a blonde kid in a local pub here on Sunday night with a similar haircut and I was nearly floored to realize that this is an actual style. I think I'd off myself if I found out that a girl I had a crush on liked a guy like this. Clearly, that crush would desolve quicker than sugar in water, but the knowledge that I liked this particular girl would get me up in that noose again.

JWOWW, well there isn't much to say that can't be said with a picture. She looks and acts like an Italian American pornstar. That's about it. Fake boobs, obvious bad complexion under her 8 lbs. of make up and hair extentions. I realize this is more attractive than the sexual vibe Snooki, Pauly D and The Situation are putting out because this sort of stuff sells in Vegas and Playboy, Penthouse, Porn, are all on the horizons for JWOWW, but still. ugh. Her latest venture I've seen is sexy lingerie for women. Good for you girl, the Pussycat Dolls made their mark, why not just follow in those whores footsteps and make ridiculously overpriced lingerie that a guy just wants to rip off you anyway. The only good thing I can say about JWOWW is that she back handed "The Situation" in the face and it was pretty glorious.

The show I get, well at least why people watch it. Pure ridiculousness. I get it, it sells because people want to see how F'd up these people are and what situations they get into. I can't for the life of me, contemplate how this Ed Hardy, massive motif T-shirt wearing, ridiculously ripped, egotistical, catty, hair extensions, trucker hats, gotti looking, over competitive personalities exist, but apparently they make a "good" concept for a show. When it comes to the fashion, I don't get it either. How does anyone go out in public thinking Ed Hardy trucker hats, shirts, pants, shoe laces, or whatever looks at all good. Wearing a massive rhinestone fleur des lis or a fake-diamond encrusted tiger attacking a whale or whatever with an overly confusing Ed Hardy designed hat makes you look like idiot. Plain and simple. Wearing fur ugs, sweat pants and a very deep v-neck blouse exposing most of your fake breasts that look like the doctor put to salad bowls underneath your skin and sewed you up makes you look like an idiot. Plain and simple. I would only hope that most of the shows followers watch the show knowing full well these people are morons when it comes to a lot of aspects of life.

I don't really get it I guess. I can't seem to watch a show like this without judging the people and the society that watch it. Some of you may say that I'm commiting to the hype, or the viewership by watching it, true, I'll give you that one. However, in my defense I can safely say that I was looking for something to make fun of and blog about for a better part of 2 weeks and Jersey Shore came on television as if God appeared before me and slammed my face with a bowl of pasta filled with rhinestones and hair gel. So yes, I watched some episodes of Jersey Shore and yes I wasted yet more hours of my life writing this for likely fairly limited readership, but at least I get to post this. (That's Snookidorf)


Back in Janurary Michael Cera as a promo stunt for his movie he hung out with the Jersey Shore crew and basically breaks down every episode of this so-called show by partaking in certain aspects of the guidos & guidettes life. Watching this I almost get the feeling that some of these guys actually know that they look ridiculous, but do it anyway. Well done Michael.

Locking Lips For A Memory: A Useless Study of "The First Kiss"

A kiss. So long as romance has lived, so has the idea of that passionate kiss. A kiss can mean many things depending on where you place it. On the lips, love, on the forehead, care, on the cheek, friendly, on the hand, chivalry/gratitude. But it is the idea of the first kiss that has perplexed me over the years. Kissing = affection, wherever you plant your lips. Its a sign that you care in one way or another about the person or thing your kissing. However, that first kiss between two individuals is something on another level.

I have a mixed bag of feelings over it. When I think about the importance of the first kiss, I'm overwhelmed by images from media, literature and stories from friends, family and that famously documented picture of the sailor dipping the young nurse in Time Sqaure and laying a big one right on her lips only out of sheer joy the war had finally come to a close. He probably wasn't thinking about how she would react or who was around him. He just took her in his arms and proceeded to kiss her, not out of romance, lust, or chivalry but out of pure instinct. Like the old saying goes, "I'm so happy I could kiss you." It is not because he loved that girl it was just the first thing that come to mind when he saw her. But that sailor could have also easily thrown up a hand for a high five to her, or just fist pumped or, jumped up and down like a lot of other sailors were. But instead he kissed her and it was their first kiss. So with that, it could be said that a first kiss is like any other action. However, its not.

Think about this for a second. One memory that serves you and most people in the world correctly is the memory of your first kiss. It is time-stamped in your brain and you may not be able to remember your girlfriends birthday or your boyfriend's favourite movie, but you can remember some instant from years past like it was yesterday. You can remember the time of day, what the weather was like, what the mood was like, people around you, etc. Its a big deal! It is a big moment in someone's life, but why? Can you remember when you gave your first high five? Or even the first time you fell and scrapped your knee. Probably not. My first kiss was so blatently cliched it almost makes me nauseous. It was a game of spin the bottle being held at party that a girl named Rhinnanon was having the first weekend of summer vacation. It was right when we finished the 6th grade and about to enter senior status in elementary school. It was there that I had my first, second, third, fourth kisses and who knows how many others. We played the game for a while. The funny thing about it is, that I can't remember who was the lucky/unlucky girl that I lost my lip virginity to. I've thought about it and ran down a few names in my head, but I can't remember who was first one was or if I even kissed that particular girl. But in the end, who gives a crap. It was just a kiss. I remember I didn't even really want to play, but did anyway so does that mean my first kiss was forced? That seems a little odd. But I bet a lot of people's first kisses are forced. So was I cheated out of my first kiss? Was I never to have another? Yes and no. I was never to have another first kiss from a girl, but I'd have plenty of first kisses.

Part of me thinks its a crock of shite, because in the end it is only just a kiss, an action, a moment that will end within seconds that if you break it down doesn't really amount to much in the world. However, as pointed out, over the years it has become something to talk about. Its a memory that one person will keep and a topic of conversations for years mostly among mostly woman. I say woman because not once in my life have I sat down with a good buddy and asked "So man, was she a good kisser?" Out in the open, guys don't give two shits about the kiss. We evaluate it, just like woman do, but we never talk about kissing in front of one another unless something funny/weird happened. We'll talk about everything but kissing really. However, it seems to me growing up, kissing was the first thing a girl would ask another girl about a guy on a date. I say girl in this situation because the older those girls got, the less predominant this question becomes and slowly it becomes a backburner question like, "what did he wear?" But its always still around.

Here's a rough example of what I mean using two fictional bestfriends discussing their first dates. For funsies, I will name them Ashley and Tessa.

Ashley and Tessa at 14 years of age.

Ashley: "Was he a good kisser?"
Tessa: "Ummm, yeah I guess. I don't really know"
Ashley: "Did you french?"
Tessa: "Hehe, he tried to, it felt weird"
Ashley: "I know! it feels like a snake or a worm trying to get in my mouth."
Tessa: "Hehe, yeah, It was sort of gross, but maybe i'll try it again because guys like doing that."
Ashley: "I don't know, I don't think I'll ever get use to it."

Ashley and Tessa at 16 years of age.

Ashley: "So did you guys make out?"
Tessa: "Yeah for a bit, he tried to feel me up, but I kept pushing his hands down"
Ashley: "Guys are such pigs sometimes, one time I let Greg put his hand up my shirt and I told him, "just stay above the bra," but he took that like it was a suggestion and kept trying to..ugh, they just want more. He touched my nipple a few times."
Tessa: "Yeah I just don't see why they aren't just happy with making out for a bit?"
Ashley: "So was he at least good a good kisser? Was he okay with his tongue?"
Tessa: "No, he was way to sloppy and used his tongue way to much"
Ashley: "Oh I hate that! I don't mind a bit of tongue once and while, but not when you come away covered in spit because he can't control it."
Tessa: "I know...did you see what Tom was wearing last night at the party? god he's so hot!"

Ashley and Tessa at 23 years of age.

Ashley: "And then the guy just stormed off on her...he's such a asshole. Oh wait I totally forgot! How was your date last night girl?"
Tessa: "It was pretty good."
Ashley: "Oh you're totally not telling me something, did you fuck him?!"
Tessa: "Ashley! haha, no...(pause)I gave him a blowjob in his truck though."
Ashley: "You slut! haha,
Tessa: "Haha"
Ashley: "Oh man, did he have a big dick? I bet he does, I always thought Tom would have a big dick."
Tessa: "Actually it wasn't as big as I thought it'd be, but it was pretty decent size. I couldn't get it all the way in my mouth, sooo."
Ashley: "Good enough for me! Did you give it to him at the end of the night?"
Tessa: "Yeah like he was dropping me off and we started making out a bit, and he started grabbing my tits pretty hard and I just went down on him. Its when guys just squeeze my tits that makes me just want to have sex. Its bad haha"
Ashley: "You gave him head in front of your parents house? Really?"
Tessa: "Yeah! I gave Bruce head all the time in the basement and lost my virginity in the backyard at the end of highschool. Its not a big deal Ash."
Ashley: "I don't think I've ever screwed around at my parents, I always do it somewhere else. It just weirds me out and I'm always paranoid they'll come in so I never can realx. Thank god for cars and dorm rooms. Wait doesn't Tom have braces now or a retainer or something from when he broke his jar? Was kissing him weird?"
Tessa: "At first, but not really, we just didn't really use tongues that much."

Ashley and Tessa at 36 years old. Ashley is now married with child.

Ashley: "...Then John got the lawn cut while I made tuna sandwhiches. Henry loves tuna, who would have thought. He was such a picky eater when he was a baby."
Tessa: "Did I tell you I went out on a date last week?"
Ashley: "Nooooo! with who?...Did you get laid?"
Tessa: "Some guy at met at my office. He's younger, very handsome and yes I did."
Ashley: "Good for you girl! How was it, give me lots of details, like juicy ones."
Tessa: "I haven't had sex in months so anything would have been good. He seemed to know what he was doing and it didn't take long for me to climax. He wasn't afraid of going down on me so that was nice."
Ashley: "Ohhh you're so lucky! I haven't had an orgasm in like...forever! and John doesn't go down on me anymore. I even sometimes don't even want John kissing me when we're having sex I just want him to get off and so I can go to bed."
Tessa: "It seems like kissing doesn't even matter to me anymore, its just a stage before sex."

Over time, the kiss question seems to dissappear or be covered up by more 'pressing' questions. I don't find this really strange at all, since if you think about it, Tessa is sort of right, the older you get kissing doesn't seem to be like the first step to getting a girls/guys pants off. Here's a question that comes to mind when reading Ashley and Tessa's conversation, what makes a great kisser? . There are certainly bad kissers, but are there really "great" one's out there that have mastered the art of kissing? The movement of their lips, their tongues, their biting techniques? Personally I don't believe an individual can be a great kisser. You're probably thinking, I'm wrong, but seriously try giving a critera that makes one truly great at kissing. See, now you're making a list of what makes a bad kisser and saying he can't this or he can't that. Wrong. You can't compare it that way, I want point-form notes on a good kisser. Then you'll start using adjectives to describe what a great kisser should have like "tender" and "moist lips" and...whatever...wrong again because its subjective. One may say, you're a great kisser because your gentle and soft, but then another girl will tell the same guy he sucks at kissing because he doesn't use his teeth enough, or he's tongue doesn't mesh well with her own. Whatever it is, one person can think you're great at kissing and another can say you fail at delivering a great kiss. Sure you can be good at it, you read the other person well, you are able to pick the right moments or you move your hands placing a hand at the small of her back and bringing her in towards you, or you place a hand on his cheek while kissing him. All of these things are good techinques in order to achieve a great kiss, but its not going to get you the status of a great kisser. So you still can not think of what makes a great kisser. Why? Simple, you're not thinking of yourself. In order to become a great kisser, you need a partner. I think what makes a great kisser in the end is the other person. No one individual can be a great kisser without that someone that creates that spark between the two of you that ignite a fury behind your lips ultimately achieving a 'great kiss.' Its a shared experience, and if one person is out of touch with kissing that great kisser won't come off as being so great. He or she will either loose interest, thus pulling away his hand off her back or she'll take her hand off his cheek, and eventually pull out of the kiss. One can not achieve a great kiss without the other.

I also believe its the way a person leads up to the kiss and what he/she does while kissing you that turns it from a kiss to a 'great kiss'. And even the bad one's can become like everyone else with communication and maybe guidance. I think people need to stop asking the question "Was he a good kisser" and instead ask a question like "Where did he kiss you?" Ask something about the environment surrounding where the kiss happened. That's what the memory is built on anyhow, that's what will be important. You will never tell stories about the actual kiss itself. "Oh Estelle, the kiss was so soft, and delicate, and then .476666 seconds he bite my lip ever so slightly." No. You'll say to your friend Estelle about the kiss as a whole, its entirety; "He just swung me around, dipped me down, titled his hat back and just kissed me right in the middle of Time Sqaure." Its the actions around the kiss that counts. Rating a kiss alone without taking into account the moment is useless. A great kiss between two people could happen in Paris or it could happen in an alleyway, it doesn't matter. What makes it great is not the kiss, but the moment behind, during and the what follows the kiss that matters.

I reiterate from before, the kiss is just an action like shaking hands. Yet, it still carries so much more weight and in the end with good reason I guess. Every couple remembers when they first kiss. Whether its outside a girls apartment, or her car or when the credits are rolling on the screen or even drunk in some bar. Whatever the secnerio is, people remember. That first kiss has to mean something because if this first date turns into marriage, you need a story to tell people, or a story to remember together. If you end up breaking up with your boyfriend/girlfriend, that memory of your first kiss will vanish as soon as you meet your next boyfriend/girlfriend and then that old memory will be replaced by a new first kiss. Whoever your last "first kiss" will be the image that will be with you at the present. Sure you'll remember the highlight reel; the girls and guys that really meant something to you and when you first kissed them, but its that person you end up being with and love infinitely that will act like glue to your sentimental part of your memory. Its this idea, where my romantic side agrees with this idea of a love story. Its been a while since I've turned on my romantic side for someone and ignored my cynicism towards love. Thinking romantically, I like the idea of a good first kiss. Not a forced one, but one of truth and moment. It just happens because at that point in time there is no other thought in your body other than I want to kiss this person. Like the sailor and his nurse, it should just happen. Even though I know the action of the first kiss is actually arbitrary, the memory it serves continues to still be important to me and probably always will. That all being said, the secret to a great first kiss is almost a trick, or an illusion. It isn't one person being really talented at kissing that makes a great kiss. It isn't the actual kiss at all, its the dip, the hand on cheek, the hand on back, the embrace, the moon, the sun, the lust, the passion, the nervousness, the anxiousness, the awkardness, the the hostility, the anger, the "kiss me damn you!" and every other feeling two individuals will put behind their lips at that exact moment together. In the end, your first kiss is going to go the way it goes. You don't have much control and it could be Hollywood like, under the Eiffel Tower or on a bridge with the sunsetting, or it could be very plain and average, but it is still going to be special in someway to you and your partner. The first kiss is the first of hopefully many, and every kiss will have a different story, big or small, exciting or boring. Its why I'm always nervous to kiss a girl for the first time goodnight and why I ramble on about nothing before saying goodnight. The first kiss is only a kiss, but its the beginning of your story. I am the Blob, I am a romantic and if you don't like it, you can shove it up your....