If God Had Food Poisoning From A Sketchy Italian Eatery It Would Be MTV's 'The Jersey Shore'

I just witnessed the death of television. It involved MTV and a bunch of self-proclaimed "Guido's & Guidettes." I realize Jersey Shore has been on television now for a better part of a year and has a fairly devout following consisting of either fellow douchebags/douchettes or in the majority of cases people who just want to see this spectacle unfold. Watching it, I felt like back in 2001 when the twin towers were crumbling before my eyes and the horror of reality. It was hard to watch, yet I watched it anyway. Well, welcome to 2010 some 9 years later and Osama has struck again by executively producing this show (maybe not directly, but Taliban HAS to be funding this). I write this on the brink of Season 2 premiere tonight, Thursday July 29th on MTV where the cast moves from the slums of Jersey to Miami to party with/no where near CB1, LeBron and Wade, where I think every cast member, may actually appear more tanned then those three.




So let this outrage begin. Here I am eating a peanut butter and jam sandwhich, a classic, with some orange juice flipping through the complete dullness that is Saturday afternoon television. Last thing I remember I was flipping past sports updates on The Score and the next thing I know I'm blinking for the first time in 35mins, I can't remember my name and it appears I've just botched my own suicide by not tying the noose tight enough. When I look up and onto the television I see how I got myself into this situation...Mike "The Situation" is staring me down flexing his muscles and attempting to teach me how to maintain looking good at all times by following "G.T.L. baby" or in other words working out, tanning and doing laundry. Thanks Mike, I'll remember that the next time I go out. You're a life saver!

So after I take my neck out of the noose and sit back down on the bed contemplating how many people would show up to my funeral, I look back up and another episode is starting. It seems I've come across a Jersey Shore marathon on MTV. Well, well, aren't I lucky. Perhaps with a lot of focus, or none at all, depending on how you look at it, I can sit through one of these episodes and find out what all this fuss is about. Why is this a popular show? Well from what I can tell just based on the opending credits is that the Jersey Shore is just a cheap Real World filmed in Little Italy Jersey. As the show goes on, its basically just that. A bunch of Italian, highly egotistical and sexually and aesthetically driven Italians living under one roof. There isn't much special about the show and I don't think the creators even believe themselves that it is some feat in reality television. The only difference between The Jersey Shore and shows similar such as The Real World and Big Brother, is that there are a lot more arguements, physical fights, pasta, tans and a troll that lives in the house. I thought this a bit odd at first that they would incorporate this mythical woodland creature normally found in fairy tales and fantasy films, but perhaps they were trying to bring a new audience demographic into the fold and thought a troll....wait....is that a girl? Holy hell.

Snooki. Okay, so while I'm wasting my Thursday afternoon writing this blobetorial on Jersey Shore, I might as well start by talking about the biggest waste of space on this planet, Snooki. I'm sure she's a sweet gal, but only when she doesn't talk, it's pitch black and I don't have a face because it was biten off by a racoon. Her appearance alone gives me that feeling I just ate something that has gone bad in my fridge, quick give me a garbage can or a sink so I can spit this out immediately feeling. You know that time in space between when you realize it has gone bad and when you get to spit it out? It's horrible. It's as if you're suffocating, feel like vomitting and wishing you could erase this experience out of your memory after its over with because you'll never look at that peice of food/drink the same way all in less than 3 seconds. Well Snooki's appearance is similar in all the same ways I've just listed. I feel sick, want to erase this from my memory and TV will never be the same. Then she opens her mouth. I don't even need to explain it in a creative way. Instead I decided to pull out my tape recorder and actually recorded from my television a conversation with Snooki and her new "gorilla juicehead" boyfriend.

In light of this part of my blobetorial I will call Snooki by her Troll name, Snookidorf.

Snookidorf: Meatball, Meatball?
Gorilla BF: How many balls do you want?
Snookidorf: I want two...in my face.

Snookidorf aside: Well, I'm done Snookin...for love. I found an amazing gorilla juicehead.

Gorilla BF: What? No Sausage?
Snookidorf: No, I didn't make sausage. You have that.

Snookidorf aside: Me and Emilio have been together for two and half months. I really don't want to cheat, like seriously I don't want to, but you know, if you're going to hand me a bottle of fricken SoCo something just comes over me, I just go crazy.

Snookidorf and her boyfriend are then shown in her room with her boyfriend Emilio with a spray on tan gun directed towards Snooki's face and her pulling back her hair.

Snookidorf: Just one more
Gorilla BF: One more?
Snookidorf: Yeah
Gorilla BF: Three coats? Jesus...

Sprays her like a guy spraying an ant hill with raid.

Snookidorf aside: I don't go tanning anymore because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning and I feel like he did that intentionally for us. McCain wouldn't have put a 10% tax on tanning...because he's pale and he'd probably want to be tanned.

Do I need to say more? I think she explains what I mean herself plus I don't want to talk about her anymore...it hurts my brain. The tan, the hair, the outfits, the walk, all that she cherishes as her good qualities just cries out to me to make fun of her and considering this blog is my Mt. Olympus of judgement, Snooki and the rest of her "crew" recieve no quater.

The rest of the crew are just as bad. Some less prodominent than others and the ones I won't really go into (Vinnie, Sweetheart and Ronnie) because I could think of about 101 things off the top of my head I'd rather be doing than this, but I have to, I must. Anyway, Pauly D and Mike "The Situation" are absolutely ridiculous. I can't really put into words how these two douchebags make my self esteem rise to new and exciting heights. Instead of dancing around, pumping their fists they should go on a nationwide tour to highschools with the motto "Don't worry, if you're fat or have acne or are shy around girls/guys at least you don't dress, act, and cut your hair like us." All these guys do on the show is attempt to pick up girls and fail on epic proportions. Sure they get some girls back to their place, but not once do they ever score or have really any luck out of the clubs at all, yet they continue to think as themselves as if God was Italian's house warming gift to women. Mike "The Situation" is the worst of them both. In an attempt to explain who he is, Mike has been quoted to say “This situation is indescribable. You can’t even describe the situation that you’re about to get into the situation.” They're obsessed with bringing girls back to the hot tub. Gee whiz, let's use the next best thing to a date rape drug and seduce a girl who is drunk back to a hot tub where we can take her top off and make out a little. Maybe if we're lucky we can have sex and with every thurst shove dirty highly chemical treated water up her 'calzone.' This guy constantly swings for the fences and comes back from the bar with either A) beer goggles covered in mud worthy girl with clearly low self esteem or B) his friend Pauly D. I seriously do not understand how these two take themselves seriously let alone any one else in the world around them take them seriously. Just look at Pauly D's hair? I recently saw a blonde kid in a local pub here on Sunday night with a similar haircut and I was nearly floored to realize that this is an actual style. I think I'd off myself if I found out that a girl I had a crush on liked a guy like this. Clearly, that crush would desolve quicker than sugar in water, but the knowledge that I liked this particular girl would get me up in that noose again.

JWOWW, well there isn't much to say that can't be said with a picture. She looks and acts like an Italian American pornstar. That's about it. Fake boobs, obvious bad complexion under her 8 lbs. of make up and hair extentions. I realize this is more attractive than the sexual vibe Snooki, Pauly D and The Situation are putting out because this sort of stuff sells in Vegas and Playboy, Penthouse, Porn, are all on the horizons for JWOWW, but still. ugh. Her latest venture I've seen is sexy lingerie for women. Good for you girl, the Pussycat Dolls made their mark, why not just follow in those whores footsteps and make ridiculously overpriced lingerie that a guy just wants to rip off you anyway. The only good thing I can say about JWOWW is that she back handed "The Situation" in the face and it was pretty glorious.

The show I get, well at least why people watch it. Pure ridiculousness. I get it, it sells because people want to see how F'd up these people are and what situations they get into. I can't for the life of me, contemplate how this Ed Hardy, massive motif T-shirt wearing, ridiculously ripped, egotistical, catty, hair extensions, trucker hats, gotti looking, over competitive personalities exist, but apparently they make a "good" concept for a show. When it comes to the fashion, I don't get it either. How does anyone go out in public thinking Ed Hardy trucker hats, shirts, pants, shoe laces, or whatever looks at all good. Wearing a massive rhinestone fleur des lis or a fake-diamond encrusted tiger attacking a whale or whatever with an overly confusing Ed Hardy designed hat makes you look like idiot. Plain and simple. Wearing fur ugs, sweat pants and a very deep v-neck blouse exposing most of your fake breasts that look like the doctor put to salad bowls underneath your skin and sewed you up makes you look like an idiot. Plain and simple. I would only hope that most of the shows followers watch the show knowing full well these people are morons when it comes to a lot of aspects of life.

I don't really get it I guess. I can't seem to watch a show like this without judging the people and the society that watch it. Some of you may say that I'm commiting to the hype, or the viewership by watching it, true, I'll give you that one. However, in my defense I can safely say that I was looking for something to make fun of and blog about for a better part of 2 weeks and Jersey Shore came on television as if God appeared before me and slammed my face with a bowl of pasta filled with rhinestones and hair gel. So yes, I watched some episodes of Jersey Shore and yes I wasted yet more hours of my life writing this for likely fairly limited readership, but at least I get to post this. (That's Snookidorf)


Back in Janurary Michael Cera as a promo stunt for his movie he hung out with the Jersey Shore crew and basically breaks down every episode of this so-called show by partaking in certain aspects of the guidos & guidettes life. Watching this I almost get the feeling that some of these guys actually know that they look ridiculous, but do it anyway. Well done Michael.