The Real Not So Real Adventures of the Blob. DRUNK AS SHIT!

I've used about 50x kleenex today. Just blew my nose. Its 3:03AM Sunday November 22, 2010 and thanks to a little encouragement I decided to blog drunk. Why the hell not? There is no reason why I shouldn't. Can you think of a reason? Shut Up! It was brought to my attention a few weeks back by a certain someone and it was like discovering electricity. Why hadn't I gotten drunk earlier and blogged? Its a retorical question so stop trying to figure it out. Shut Up! Anyway I was wondering what would be a good blog to merit a drunk night? I decided to start a short story about something. I have no clue what it'll be about. Despite my spelling I am indeed drunk and it'll come to me as I write. Nothing I do in the following sentances will be rehearsed. My partner in crime and many other things (unsexual) AGM, is passed out so behind me on a inflated air matress and his laptop resting on his stomach. He was suppose to help my creative side here! I'm drunk I can't think straight and its taking me a lot just to type in an orderly fashion. its all me. Here we go...ugh, too much booze!!!!


Nothing seemed to stop him from doing what he wanted to do. He wanted a peice of pizza after a night at the bar so he bought two.
"Ill take two those bad boys...yeah those two"
He spoke as though he had been something at some point or was going to be something at some point. Even though he couldn't see straight Mordecai got two meatlovers pizza slices and ate them like a champion. He did not care what he looked liked but he presented himself like someone of importance. After he was done he went up to a girl wearing fake leather pants and a short haircut and spoke bluntly.
"I like your pants and your hair. What kind of pizza did you get?"
"Fuck off creep."
He didn't know what to say back so he spoke what came to his mind.
"I like playdough. "
He realized that he sounded retared but he went with it. He waited. She looked at him and decided why not. She grabbed his arm with one hand and his junk in the other and said,
"Did you ever play Grape Escape?"
He had that board game as a child so he went with it. They left the pizza shop in haste.
Once outside he noticed it was raining so he started to run. 1/4 of the way home he noticed that the pizza girl was no longer with him. He must have lost her along the way during his sprint home. He was far too fast for the normal individual obviously because of his commitmnt to Sparkle Motion. A running group he started 3 years back with no one else. It was inspired by the movie Donnie Darko and the one peice sparkled spandex running suit he made with a 11 year old's craft box he stole while he was visiting his old elementary school. 


He wished hadn't had run that fast since it was a while a girl seemed to be interested in his sexual fetish of playdough and fornication, but such is life. Outside his building a couple of toughs were sitting on the front step playing cards. The cards were folded in the middle and seemed to be quite old. They were blocking the way and he didn't care much to have to step around them espeically since he had just run all the way from the pizza place. He wanted some water.
"Hey chaps, you mind scooted over so I can get by to get some water and go to bed? I'm quite tired from that extreme jog I just had."
"Hey loser, no one tells us to "scoot" over! what are you the king of Englandd or something?"
"Well no, but did you hear Prince William is now finally engaged, how excited are you?"
"Oh you're dead man! you're soooo dead"
"Why on earth am I dead? Please dudes I just want to get by."
"These guys know I've been in love with Kate Middleton and wish she was mine. Even though I'm a street tough, I still am a sensative boy and she seems proper. I love her and now I'm going to beat the shit out of you in a jealous rage as if you were Harry.
"William..."
"YEAH William! whatever!"
This guy didn't know what he wanted, but he also didn't know what was coming to him. Along with extreme sparkle jogging he also had trained under the wise and once youthful Ninja Master. He was a drunk living under a bridge, but the Ninja Master had an intimate knowledge in fighting skills and cunning strategies of escape. He knew that these hoodlums had just rowed up the wrong side of the river and were about to meet a bear while cooking beans as the old saying went.
The love-drunk hoodlum in front of him took the first swing. He missed, he took another swing with equal success. Time to fight back. The Blob picked up the stack of cards and threw them in the hoodlum's face. the dispersed and proceeded to get the others standing around watching. This caused the others to get involved. Bad move for the Blob to throw the cards? rhetorical question!~! no. of course not, as they attacked the Blob jumped up judo kicking each one of them in the sternums. As the wind was now successfully knocked out of them, he looked at the main bully who stood in amazement but still groaled with intent to kill. Before the brut could make a move The Blob judo chopped him in the windpipe and spit the wad of dubble bubble had been chewing since before Pizza (he tucked it up in his mouth while he chewed on the pizza) right into his left eye. Since he had been chewing it for so long, it had become tasteless and more importantly hard as a rock. The rather big hooligan flew back on his ass. The Blob took the opportunity to speak as they all groaned with agony of the swift beating that was just bestowed on them.
"You guys look like a bunch of god damn clowns."
He stepped over them and into his apartment building.


When he got home he noticed his roomate was sleeping heavily. He was snoring and it was irratating.
Suddenly a sound from the roommate other than his annoying snores.
"you rememebr when you had the dick in your mouth and you liked it?"
"no"
"oh ya. mah rrggghh...coughs" and rolls over.
He had no idea what he was talking about, or dreaming about. He didn't want to know. He went to sleep. Tomorrow he had to do something big and exciting. He could feel it already. Instead of waiting, he decided then he'd do it. He took a shit and then went to bed again. Super cool. Again, he thought of what he had to do tomorrow. He didn't know what the sunrise would bring, but he knew it would be awesome. Hi HOOOO! Rainsins and oatmeal sandwhiches! I love whiskey and hot rod sausage sticks! Remember tunabean melts? If i hadn't eaten like 3 slices of pizza because I'm fat I would so have one of those.




drunk. my ass hurts and is wet because I slipped on ice. bye

** This was seriously un-editted and written quite drunkly** - A hungover Blob

The Adventures of Breaking Up With The Blob

So it was Thanksgiving Weekend here in the Great White North that is Canada this past weekend. It is a time when families gather around their dinner tables sharing stories, laughs, drinks and slices of turkey with gravy and seasonal vegetables. It's our final holiday before the frost begins to roll in over our lawns and winter rears its ugly, yet magestic head. It is also the first time many students retreated back home since they started post-secondary education in what is often a new and exciting city. Their past month has been filled with meeting new people, starting classes, going to parties, getting fimilar with going to class hungover on a weekday and waking up in strange beds. Some don't experience this, but most students do. Which brings me to what other event we celebrate this past weekend. The Turkey Dump! I'm sure most of you know what the Turkey Dump is, but for those new to the scene or just the term is unfimilar, its basically when a boy or girl goes back home to their boyfriend or girlfriend and breaks up with them because University/College has opened their eyes to bigger and better lays...I mean things. yeah..things. New horizons, new possibilities, a new life. No one wants restraints or something like a boyfriend holding them back in the coming months, or years ahead. These boys and girls realize that the significant other that got them through the testing times of Highschool just doesn't cut it anymore. They can either smell their new prey lurking at class, keggers, the bars, or they have already had sex with a hall-mate who they found cute the first week and now have to choose what to do...The hallmate (or the possibility of multiple hallmates) tends to always win. On occassion both girlfriend and boyfriend return back to their respected dormitories after the long weekend winners because both of them saw the new freedom that post secondary education brought them and think it would be best to go their seperate ways and stay friends. This happens on occassion and its a huge weight lifted off both of their shoulders because the idea of either finding out they "cheated" on each other with guys would make things just awkard. The Turkey Dump can be a uplifting or downright miserable experience. Whatever roll you end up playing in the Turkey Dump, you got to go through shit to come out clean, and able to go down on someone new on the other side. So The Blob is talking breakups and it only feels right to talk about it on the weekend I'm suprised Hallmark hasn't jumped on yet, Thanksgiving/Dumpsgiving

　
In the next few paragraphs I will be giving those who wish to break up with their other half a few tips and strategies. If you already went through with it, mayb you should have went these routes instead. I will also present some coping ideas and suggestions to help those having their hearts torn out of them to get through the next few days, weeks, months depending on how pathetic you are.

How to Break Up With Someone: Strategies For Crushing Hearts By The Blob

One thing that people should be aware of before they break up with someone is how many different options you have to break up. There is always another option to the one you've thought of. Most people go the route of sitting on a bed giving some sort of back story to legitimize their reasons behind not wanting to see the other person naked anymore. There are the typical lines like;


"I think we should see other people."
"I can't handle a relationship right now."
"I see us more as friends than lovers."
"I hate you."
"Stop talking to me, you're ugly and have a small dick."
"I like big tits, if you don't want to get enlargements whats the point in seeing you?"
"I'm gay."
"I'm straight."
"You're a whore. Bye."

In the end it's always the same. You break-up. So why not try something new?!

The Philosopher
Objective: To confuse & wonder what just happened as you make your timely exit. Use a lot of bunny ear quotation gestures with your fingers...like all the time. It helps with you looking smart.

Todd: Babe, I've been doing a lot of thinking while I've been away at University. I was in class the other day and the professor was talking about Descartes and just thought like maybe "us" shouldn't be "us" anymore and we should become "I".  It was like an, what do you call those...uhhh, its like a quick idea...like the light bulb thing? Oh an "epihany." I had an epihany while I listened to him. It, like, came to me all of a sudden, but it was like I had known it all along. Its been at the back of my mind, which has been opened up to new possibilities and schools of thought since I've been away. I just need to seek out what I need in life right now and I don't want something, even if its you, holding me back from what I'm going to become, you know? And I don't think "you" should have "me" keeping "you" like a prisoner anymore. I read The Count of Monte Cristo in English Lit. class last week and I don't want to have you have the same fate. Just not fair. I'm giving you wings and I want you to find your own "destiny."

Britney: What the fuck are you talking about?

Todd:  (Whispering patting her head) Don't make this harder than it already is babe. This is real and you have to know its real. Real is right now and its real.

The Upper-Hand
Objective: To get the upper hand on the situation. Finish the sentence yourself and win.

Britney: Todd, I think we need to bre...
Todd: ....I'm breaking up with you! I win! (Quickly run away from the table leaving him/her with the cheque.)

The Humphrey Bogart
Objective: Play on a classic movie quote to help ease the pain

While grabbing her firmly with both hands throw out a quote from Casablanca. She probably won't understand so slap her around a bit. Don't worry, you're Bogey, nothing can happen. Make sure you smell like gin and stale cigerettes. Gender reversel for this one is encouraged.



Abra Cadabre or "The Houdini"
Objective: Quick and painless with the use of magic

While sitting at a resturant, ask if they want to see a "cool trick". Place your napkin on and/or in front of your face. Say "Abra Cadabre" and quickly then throw the napkin towards him/her and run away. Again leaving him/her with the cheque.
words.

Technologic
Objective: Use technology to your advantage by texting a break up message.

From Britney to Todd: u + me = over, lolz. dun call me again. : )

Alternative: Use your facebook status
Todd Scaggs so hungover but football pool done. Britney, I don't think we should see each other anymore. Go Giants Go! Taking a nap before the game..

　
The Andy Kaufmann
Objective: Fake your own death.

Get friends and family involved. Its a great bonding experience. Tricky part is that you likely will have to change your job, move, wear some sort of disguise like a wig or fake moustache and join new social circles. Eventually the person you were seeing will stop caring and if by chance they see you pretend your a ghost.

The Columbian Vacation
Objecive: End the relationship with a powerful alley, fear.

Kidnap his/her cat, dog, or favourite pair of boots/signed sports memorabilia. Leave a randsom note on his/her bedside table threatening that said item will be disposed of if your break up demands are not met. Remind them you know where he/she lives and you know that "thing" about them. They may not have a "thing" but they don't know what you know. Leave them guessing. They have to give in.
　
Look Who's Coming To Dinner
Objective: Bring a surprise guest to a dinner date. Be creative.

Bring a surprise guest on a date. Some of my favourites would be your "boyrfriend" Mark. The genius here is that if you're a girl bringing Mark, your other boyfriend will only be too quick to walk away or break it off while if you're a guy bringing your "boyfriend" Mark on a date, well...you get the idea. Bring your cat or dog to dinner and dress it up in formal attire. Ask for a third seat for it to sit at. Another idea would be to borrow a baby from someone and bring it to dinner saying its your son or daughter. The baby surprise is a sure-shot winner.

The Fashion Symbol
Objective: Don't say it wear it.

Go to one of those custom t-shirt shops and get them to put what you want to say on a t-shirt.
Examples:
            (1) Welcome to Dumpsville
                 Population: You

             (2) Dumps Like A Truck (with a small picture of a dump truck)
             (3) (On the front) Guess What?
                   (On the back) I'm Breaking Up With You
                      - key to this one is walk away when you turn around
            (4)   (In blurry lettering) If You Can Read This You're Too Close And I Have Attachment  Issues, Sorry. So I Think Its Better We End This Now.

Ghost Writer
Objective: Leave creepy notes around your apartment written to you by your own hand


Example: Hey Todd, you're handsome and usually remember, but don't forget to pick up milk on your way out today. By the way, you may want to try combing your hair the other way tomorrow. Just once, just try it, it'll look good I swear. Also, don't worry about what Britney says...it is all about you in bed, keep it up champ!

Self-Help Yourself Out
Objective: Casual and sublimial messages without saying a word.


Buy a bunch of "How to Break Up" books and leave them around your apartment. You may also want to use a highlighter and highlight A LOT of the pages.
An alternative would be to buy creepy self-help books about depression or How To: Taxidermy At Home!

Tresure Island
Objective: A fun activity for both participants...well until the end.


Send them on a treasure hunt around town leaving clues and notes at different locations. To keep them interested make some of the locations spots you went on a date to. At the final spot leave a break up note and maybe like $15.00 for a cab back home.

Broadway Bound
Objective: Show them a different side of you in bed.


Start singing show tunes at the top of your lungs while having sex. Enough said.

**Authors Choice Award**

The Pat Bateman/Returning Videotapes
Objective: Do it like Patrick.


Watch the movie way too much and pull quotes out far too often in your boyfriend/girlfriends presence. Not going to lie, this works better if you're a guy. Rent the movie with her even though you already own it. I can express it enough, quote the movie and laugh. Then pull this out at the dinner table




Coping Techniques and Strategies To Get Over That Special Someone By The Blob

Getting over a break-up is never an easy thing to do when you're the one who got broken up with. Sure, sometimes its hard for the person breaking up with a person who they have cared for and maybe at one time never saw themselves doing this, but the chances are the person intiating the break up will feel relieved that they finally went through with it while the person hearing "I think we should end things," is likely contemplating suicide. That's a bit dramatic, but definitely eating themselves out of depression. Here's a few coping techniques to ensure your heart will mend quicker.

The Picaso
Objective: Using simple art and no face to face time. Revenge is best served in an art form.


Spray paint his/hers car or front door. If in your case you're an artist, try simple paint and smooth brush strokes.
For a female; slut, bitch, cunt, cheating whore.
For a male; prick, asshole, pussy prick, cheating dick, small dick, or fag.
 To avoid police reports and run ins with the law, you may want to use obtuse or hidden wording or abstract art to vent your anger.

Look To The Skies　
Objective: Make the clouds get over the person faster.


Hire a skywritter with one of those planes to spell out your pain in the sky. It could be fact or fiction you write. No one really knows the difference anyway.
Example: "Britney, you cheating whore", "Todd, you gave me the clap, we're done!"

The American Psycho
Objective: Healing through Pat


Watch American Psycho...a lot.


Okay...Let's BE Friends!
Objective: Make them end your friendship too.

No one really wants to hear "I still want to be friends with you" after that person has just ended your relationship together. Its just not helpful. Sure maybe they do want to be your friend in the long run and maybe you will want to be there's, but at that exact time, its just not a helpful line with coming to terms to why you feel like your going to throw up, cry and smash a window all at the same time. The common thinking of most individuals, like myself, who hear that line is that you have enough friends to handle let alone someone you just want to see naked again and not have buddying up to you and sharing stories about this "guy/girl I'm dating now" when you still have feelings for them. Plus being their friend and still having feelings for them is worse than dipping your finger that has a hangnail in a bucket of lime juice. It's the worst. Trust me. Plus even the people saying they want to be friends with you, may not want it either. Its a line that sometimes slips out out of A) pity or B) careless thinking.  However, if you find yourself in a situation where the girl/guy has made this commitment and accidentally said they still want to be friends when you're pretty sure they don't want to be, advantage = you. Become their friend immediately, but a friend they wished they didn't have. Make them know that being in a relationship was easier than being in a friendship with you. Take guys/girls home from the bar, have sex with them, then text them messages about it (in graphic detail. Include pictures with thumbs up coming from you while the girl or guy is asleep naked) Pull pranks on the person constantly. Show up at their door, force yourself in with a bag full of movies or drag the person out with you and go play tackle football in the park. Surprise them while they're taking a shower almost on a weekly basis. Hit the town with them, get the person wasted, leave them somewhere and go home, because friends do that. Talk about the show Lost way too much, but its okay because we're friends! Make them babysit your cat or dog for like 2 weeks even though you're still in town. Leave a bunch of random crap at their place. Make them help you move. Combine the two things and store things, ie; clothing, movies, a desk, matresses, sacks of pornography etc., at their place between moves. Whatever you end up doing to them/with them, make sure they regret uttering the words "lets still be friends though." If you're not doing to help yourself, you're helping the next guy or girl afterwards.


The John Cusak
Objective: Reach her through music.


Re create the scene from the 80's hit movie Say Anything staring John Cusak when he plays Peter Gabriel out of his boombox on his ex's front line. But instead of "In Your Eyes" play something else that expresses the way you feel. Take this for example:




All jokes aside, break-ups are never fun. No one I think takes pleasure in them unless you're some Patrick Bateman sociopath who enjoys inflicting others with heartache. Despite some of my past articles and some comments made towards the meatloaf lovers out there (I want to stick hot needles in your eyes you sick freaks), I do have a heart and it has been chipped away before. I have endured some hardships over a girl(s) in my past and some break ups have stung more than others. I seem to be able to count on 1 hand the girls who have had my heart in the grasp and gave it back to me. Some of you girls may be reading this and you likely know who you are. All I will say is kudos to you ladies and let it be known at this point in time in my life I don't wish any ill-will towards you for doing so. Such is life and life goes on. You all had your reasons and I respect that and in most cases your honesty. I also touch on the idea of "lets be friends" and in all honesty, sometimes it works. With time, strength and a whole lot of patience, it can work. In the end, break ups happen just like everything else in your own little worlds. For the most part, you will look back on the time you had your heart given back to you and laugh thinking that wasn't so bad as it felt then. Its like when you're in Highschool and you look back to Elementary school saying "why did I care so much?" And then you're in University or College looking back to Highschool thinking "Why did I care so much?" It can apply to the schooling itself or all the little inbetween things in your social life. No matter what, you tend to move on to bigger and better/wose things. So if you were a participant in the Turkey Dump, all joking aside, take this new opportunity to spring into action. If you dumped someone, go do what you said you were going to do. Make sure that stuff you spit at your now ex wasn't a bunch of lies. Make new friends, do your school work, go out to bars and if you want to make out with that guy/girl over there do it. If you were dumped, take it as a fresh start. No attachements and no more worry about what the hell your girlfriend/boyfriend is up to 3 hours away. You'll save money on your phone bill and trips going to see him/her. Take that money and now spend it on yourself. It'll be hard for the first while, but you'll get over it. Best coping advice I can give? Give it time. Trust the Blob and all his wisdom. and Patrick Bateman.

Casserole and Sears Won't Be The Same When Mom's Dead

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Blob Talks Baby Showers: Where Fun Is Like Flying Hippos...Non Existent.

Oh Baby! its a baby shower!
Come join us in celebrating Joy Smith's upcoming baby girl!

Sunday September 12th, 2010
1:00pm - 4:00 pm
Deerville Rd, My Life As I Know It Is Over, Ontario

R.S.V.P. to Sarah Jone's (555) 555-1111
Joy is registered at Baby R' Us (So you best buy her shit there! She doesn't need no toasters from Sears)

Baby showers. I get them. I understand why they happen. Celebrating a birth and helping out a family with buying them baby items like strollers, cribs, swings, toys, baby clothing, pornography for the man while he waits for his wife to be "ready" again...stuff like that. I mean it is a concept I'm not against, but I definitely can't see a Baby Shower ever being a fun. (Women reading this crossing there arms saying "not true!" ....Pipe down! you know I speak the truth.)

This weekend a lady friend of mine is being forced to attend to a baby shower for a relative she does not particularly want to go to. It is not because she doesn't like this relative or she's a bad person. Nothing like this. She has just has a strong premonition that her afternoon is going to be completely lame and for all intent purposes she is 100% correct. Its going to suck crap. I'm no psychic, but I can predict its going to be her sitting around for a few hours not thinking about babies or pregnancy, but thinking about everything else she could be doing other than this. Some may ask, why Blob are you writing about Baby Showers? Here is my answer, shut up and you will read what I write. Anyhoodle, I did a quick investigation about baby showers on the internet since I've never been to one myself. I actually found this site that has a section for Baby Shower Ettiquitte. I clicked on it and apparently this what should be done at a Baby Shower;

What timeline does a typical Baby Shower party follow?
This timeline is a suggestion and one possible order of events for a baby shower. Use this as an outline for yours and mix up the order and duration of the events, or add or remove events according to your preferences and needs.

• A baby shower typically lasts about 2 hours.

• Guests arrive.

• Greet them at the door.

• Welcome Everyone there.

• Recognize the guest of honor (the Soon-to-be-Mommy), and let her make any comments that she might like to make (warn her ahead of time).

• Make introductions, or have each guest introduce themselves and how they know the expectant mother, or have the expectant mother introduce each guest, and how she knows each one.

• Serve any snacks or appetizers and beverages you have.

• Play 2-3 baby shower games. This helps the guests get to know each other and gets everyone into a "party" mood.

• Serve any main dishes and/or desserts or baby shower cake.

• Gather everyone around to watch the expectant mother open her gifts.

• Ooh and Aah. : )

• Chat, have fun, eat more, giggle and laugh as needed : ) Guests often chat awhile after gifts are opened, and then gradually they will begin to leave.

• As guests begin to leave, pass out your baby shower favors.


Holy crap, are you serious?! This is what my lady friend has to go through?! Maggie I'm sorry, but looks like you're in for a wiiiilllldddd day (so much sarcasm i'm actually puking it). What in the hell kind of afternoon is this? "Play 2-3 baby shower games. This helps the guests get to know each other and gets everyone into a "party" mood." Party mood? Party mood?!! Puts people in the "party" mood? How on earth is playing some baby shower related games going to make any one want to party, or how they're likely putting it at the shower "get jiggy with it" - said like a super white 50 year old mother while she does some weird out-of-touch dance and your grandmother is clapping in the background because something is moving in front of her and she has no clue where she is or who these people are around her.

Let me present something to you all. And for those throwing or planning to throw a baby shower in the near future, take a note. I'm going to take the list of etiquitte procedures and tweak them slightly to fit something else.

What timeline does a typical Funeral follow?
This timeline is a suggestion and one possible order of events for a Funeral. Use this as an outline for yours and mix up the order and duration of the events, or add or remove events according to your preferences and needs.

• A Funeral typically lasts about 2 hours.

• Guests arrive.

• Greet them at the door.

• Welcome Everyone there.

• Recognize the guest of honor (the dead dude in the casket), and let him make any comments that he might like to make which is likely nothing since he's dead (warn him ahead of time, but its likely that he won't listen).

• Make introductions, or have each guest introduce themselves and how they knew the deceased.

• Serve any snacks or appetizers and beverages you have.

• Play 2-3 funeral games for the kids. This helps the guests get to know each other and gets everyone into a "party" mood, and helps them forget that grandpa is dead.

• Serve any main dishes and/or desserts or cake.

• Gather everyone around to view the body one last time before it is brought to the cementary

• Crying. : (

• Chat, have fun, eat more, giggle and laugh as needed : ) (because may I remind you, you're at a funeral you sicko) Guests often chat awhile after the casket is removed , and then gradually they will begin to leave.

• As guests begin to leave, pass out your thank you's and funeral favors.

Did anyone else see this similarity after reading the first baby shower suggestion list? C'mon it sounds to me like a funeral. And we all know, unless you're Irish, funerals just aren't fun and neither are baby showers.

I know baby showers were created by middle aged women, namely mothers and aunts. There is no doubt about it. Its written in the make up and breakdown of their so called "party." Snacks handed out, sitting around in a circle chatting and exchanging pleasantries, taking time to greet your guests. OKAY. I'm all for some sort of manners, but jeeeesusssss, unless your greeting your guests with a shot of iced stoli or you're in the Whitehall in 1534 and you're the King of France and King Henry VIII is there to welcome you, then let them find you and say what up. Even women out there that don't like Superbowl parties or other male oriented themed parties have to admit that there is a lot better chance they are going to have fun at something like a UFC party than a Baby Shower. First, guys don't care if you don't pay attention to the game/event so long as you're not in front of the television during it. I've even been to Grey Cup games that people don't even seem to care if you do that or not! They treat these afternoons/evenings like it's St. Patricks day and its an excuse to eat finger food, junk food, have an assortment of dips surrounding them and drink on a Sunday. Soon-to-be-mother 's on the other hand would likely gossip or make a smirk or have some bitchy off-handed comment towards you if you weren't paying attention to her while she's sitting in the middle of the room in a chair being flooded with gifts because you were actually comparing stories about the past friday with the only other single girl close to your age at this shower. What kind of party is this when you have a time and place slotted to "Ohhh and Ahhh" over presents. Good lord.



(Picture above: 4 women faking their happiness/fun and all would rather be elsewhere)

Conversations at a Gold Medal Hockey Game:

"Holy shit, did you see that cheap shot? Ohhh man, speaking of cheap shots, so the other day I'm in the grocery store picking up some items for dinner and this guy totally ran into me with his shopping cart and called me an asshole."

"What did you say back?"

"Nothing, it was early and I had a fight with my girlfriend the night before so I didn't get much sleep and I wasn't going to get into it with this douche over something like this. So I just shook it off and walked on."

"Ahh what a dick, what was the fight about with Helen?"

"Oh just told her this baby shower she was going today was going to be boring as piss on a plate and she didn't like that too much. I told her even though she hates hockey, that this party would be better. Plus! Deb was going to be here and at least they could talk if she didn't feel like hanging with the guys. Right Deb?"

"Fuckin' right! where is she anyway? that lame baby shower ended two hours ago. I'm the only girl here! I don't mind though... good excuse to get sloppy drunk, eat wings and not give a shit if my crack is showing because of my low waisted jeans!"

-High fives all around and back to the game and into other random conversations.

Baby Shower Conversation:

Woman #1 "Ohh I figured you'd need that!"

Mother-To-Be "What is it?"

Woman #1 "Its a breast pump silly! You'll need it because when that kid starts teething your nipples are going to be sooo sore"

Woman #2 "Ohhhh she's right, she's so right Joy, mine bled!"

-Laughing and giggling all around because they're discussing something personal in an open situtation without the use of alcohol. Having no interest in breast pump talk, a secondary conversation emerges in the background between the older sister and her younger sister.

Younger Sister "So tell me about this boy, is he cute?"

Older Sister "Yeah I like him a lot, we seem to have great se..."

Mother cuts into the conversation between the sisters

Mother "Shhhhh both of you. Joy is opening her gifts!"

Like Joy needs utter silence to concentrate on opening gift bags. Oh god forbid Joy hears anything more than the ripping of the scotch tape between her fingers while she's opening a gift shaped like a baby monitor. Here is something you should think about Joy. No one, including yourself is having fun right now. Unless you're some attention whore, no one in their right mind likes opening gifts in front of other people so why not just save them until later and do something else than sit around for an hour and open everyone's gifts. Its awkard, boring and you girls could be doing something much more creative and fun than this. I realize that alcohol isn't necessarily involved in a Baby Shower due to the mother-to-be being unable to consume it and its like blowing smoke in the face of a person trying to quit smoking. Its just not fair. But if you can't drink is the next best thing sitting around in some sort of semi-circle watching and admiring gifts this woman is opening like she's 5 years old? I'm reading on this same website I got the etiquitte garbage on and it states:
"Is it OK if an expectant mother has more than 1 baby shower?
You bet! Only you shouldn't plan more than 1 of them. It is becoming quite common for an expectant mother to have 2 baby showers or more."

Are you serious?! People have to sit through this crap more than once? That's like having 3 Sunday church masses with a monotone 70 year old priest 3 days in a row, or only in hell, 3 one after another in the same afternoon.

Seeing as we've all come to realize by this point that a Baby Shower is not fun and never will be fun unless something out of the ordinary happens then why not brainstorm and get creative. It can't be that difficult to think of something other than what traditional Baby Shower's have to offer. Maybe try having someone a little younger plan it, like your single friends (maybe a younger sister(s))? Let them organize things instead of a 50-70 year old woman. Don't let your mother plan your baby shower if you want to have fun, and its better off just not letting them get involved at all. If you end up doing something that appeals to the younger crowd, then they'll love it just the same because it'll make themselves feel young again. Think about it. Mothers and aunts love bachelorette parties they able to attend and are likely to get more sloshed than any of your 20-30 year old girlfriends will.

Maybe get a guy or two involved in the planning? Not like strippers, but...scratch that. Get a stripper or two. Get this stripper guy to hand out gifts with his junk swinging around or peeking out of some man diaper. All ripped and oiled up in a baby's bonet and a soother hanging around his neck. Do something! I'll hire him myself for my wife because I won't have her sit through such boring nonesense for an afternoon while I'm free to do whatever I want since I'm not invited, "its a girls thing." Hint: The guy is never dissapointed with this...like at all. He loves the idea he's not even invited so he doesn't have to turn it down. Here's my biggest suggestion then, get the males involved. Get the boyfriend/husband and his friends involved. I know, I know, its the mom's (girls) day...well if the mom wants a fun day and has any sort of happy, loving relationship with her boyfriend/husband then ask him and his buddies who throw year after year great sporting event parties to help plan this baby shower and maybe males will start getting dissapointed when they aren't invited. They got something going right. People always look forward to the parties and lets face it, guys know how to have a good time even in the weirdest situations. And screw opening presents in front of everyone. They all know what they got you and you probably do too. There is only so much someone can buy for a Baby Shower. Save the opening with your husband because in the end he was the only one who helped you get these presents. Trust me, getting the man involved everyone will likely have a better time and may result in something like this.

In the end I reiterate, I am not against the idea of a Baby Shower. I think its great because when I'm a soon-to-be father I don't want to take money that my wife and I earned to buy a stroller, when someone else is willing to buy it for us. No one would, so bring on the Baby Shower. I also think its nice to celebrate the coming birth. But when the idea and events surrounding this celebration makes me want to go to a wake instead then there is a problem. Maybe I'm just being a typical man. A typical guy who just wants fun and partying and doesn't understand the civilness and fun that can be had at a quiet function with just the girls. I've never been to a baby shower so how should I know? Well ladies, maybe you're right...But maybe read over this website I was looking at earlier under the etiquitte section and tell me if this makes a Baby Shower sound fun. Nothing is fun with this many guidelines/suggestions. Its ridiculous! http://www.plan-the-perfect-baby-shower.com/baby-shower-etiquette.html

There is a difference between having a "nice time" and a "great time." Everyone says they had a "nice time" when they really didn't. It was a "nice time" during dinner when I met your new boyfriend who is a complete douchebag but I don't have the balls to tell you right now that he's completely wrong for you. Oh we had a "nice time" at the cottage but your kids are such bastards and broke my fishing rod I wish they were my own so I could beat them. I had a "nice time" at today's Baby Shower even though it was a complete bore and would have rather been reading a book in the park in a thunderstorm. I can't speak for her, but I can almost gaurentee that my lady friend will be telling her relatives she had a "nice time," when she's leaving but all the while thinking to herself "thank God this afternoon is over."

If God Had Food Poisoning From A Sketchy Italian Eatery It Would Be MTV's 'The Jersey Shore'

I just witnessed the death of television. It involved MTV and a bunch of self-proclaimed "Guido's & Guidettes." I realize Jersey Shore has been on television now for a better part of a year and has a fairly devout following consisting of either fellow douchebags/douchettes or in the majority of cases people who just want to see this spectacle unfold. Watching it, I felt like back in 2001 when the twin towers were crumbling before my eyes and the horror of reality. It was hard to watch, yet I watched it anyway. Well, welcome to 2010 some 9 years later and Osama has struck again by executively producing this show (maybe not directly, but Taliban HAS to be funding this). I write this on the brink of Season 2 premiere tonight, Thursday July 29th on MTV where the cast moves from the slums of Jersey to Miami to party with/no where near CB1, LeBron and Wade, where I think every cast member, may actually appear more tanned then those three.




So let this outrage begin. Here I am eating a peanut butter and jam sandwhich, a classic, with some orange juice flipping through the complete dullness that is Saturday afternoon television. Last thing I remember I was flipping past sports updates on The Score and the next thing I know I'm blinking for the first time in 35mins, I can't remember my name and it appears I've just botched my own suicide by not tying the noose tight enough. When I look up and onto the television I see how I got myself into this situation...Mike "The Situation" is staring me down flexing his muscles and attempting to teach me how to maintain looking good at all times by following "G.T.L. baby" or in other words working out, tanning and doing laundry. Thanks Mike, I'll remember that the next time I go out. You're a life saver!

So after I take my neck out of the noose and sit back down on the bed contemplating how many people would show up to my funeral, I look back up and another episode is starting. It seems I've come across a Jersey Shore marathon on MTV. Well, well, aren't I lucky. Perhaps with a lot of focus, or none at all, depending on how you look at it, I can sit through one of these episodes and find out what all this fuss is about. Why is this a popular show? Well from what I can tell just based on the opending credits is that the Jersey Shore is just a cheap Real World filmed in Little Italy Jersey. As the show goes on, its basically just that. A bunch of Italian, highly egotistical and sexually and aesthetically driven Italians living under one roof. There isn't much special about the show and I don't think the creators even believe themselves that it is some feat in reality television. The only difference between The Jersey Shore and shows similar such as The Real World and Big Brother, is that there are a lot more arguements, physical fights, pasta, tans and a troll that lives in the house. I thought this a bit odd at first that they would incorporate this mythical woodland creature normally found in fairy tales and fantasy films, but perhaps they were trying to bring a new audience demographic into the fold and thought a troll....wait....is that a girl? Holy hell.

Snooki. Okay, so while I'm wasting my Thursday afternoon writing this blobetorial on Jersey Shore, I might as well start by talking about the biggest waste of space on this planet, Snooki. I'm sure she's a sweet gal, but only when she doesn't talk, it's pitch black and I don't have a face because it was biten off by a racoon. Her appearance alone gives me that feeling I just ate something that has gone bad in my fridge, quick give me a garbage can or a sink so I can spit this out immediately feeling. You know that time in space between when you realize it has gone bad and when you get to spit it out? It's horrible. It's as if you're suffocating, feel like vomitting and wishing you could erase this experience out of your memory after its over with because you'll never look at that peice of food/drink the same way all in less than 3 seconds. Well Snooki's appearance is similar in all the same ways I've just listed. I feel sick, want to erase this from my memory and TV will never be the same. Then she opens her mouth. I don't even need to explain it in a creative way. Instead I decided to pull out my tape recorder and actually recorded from my television a conversation with Snooki and her new "gorilla juicehead" boyfriend.

In light of this part of my blobetorial I will call Snooki by her Troll name, Snookidorf.

Snookidorf: Meatball, Meatball?
Gorilla BF: How many balls do you want?
Snookidorf: I want two...in my face.

Snookidorf aside: Well, I'm done Snookin...for love. I found an amazing gorilla juicehead.

Gorilla BF: What? No Sausage?
Snookidorf: No, I didn't make sausage. You have that.

Snookidorf aside: Me and Emilio have been together for two and half months. I really don't want to cheat, like seriously I don't want to, but you know, if you're going to hand me a bottle of fricken SoCo something just comes over me, I just go crazy.

Snookidorf and her boyfriend are then shown in her room with her boyfriend Emilio with a spray on tan gun directed towards Snooki's face and her pulling back her hair.

Snookidorf: Just one more
Gorilla BF: One more?
Snookidorf: Yeah
Gorilla BF: Three coats? Jesus...

Sprays her like a guy spraying an ant hill with raid.

Snookidorf aside: I don't go tanning anymore because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning and I feel like he did that intentionally for us. McCain wouldn't have put a 10% tax on tanning...because he's pale and he'd probably want to be tanned.

Do I need to say more? I think she explains what I mean herself plus I don't want to talk about her anymore...it hurts my brain. The tan, the hair, the outfits, the walk, all that she cherishes as her good qualities just cries out to me to make fun of her and considering this blog is my Mt. Olympus of judgement, Snooki and the rest of her "crew" recieve no quater.

The rest of the crew are just as bad. Some less prodominent than others and the ones I won't really go into (Vinnie, Sweetheart and Ronnie) because I could think of about 101 things off the top of my head I'd rather be doing than this, but I have to, I must. Anyway, Pauly D and Mike "The Situation" are absolutely ridiculous. I can't really put into words how these two douchebags make my self esteem rise to new and exciting heights. Instead of dancing around, pumping their fists they should go on a nationwide tour to highschools with the motto "Don't worry, if you're fat or have acne or are shy around girls/guys at least you don't dress, act, and cut your hair like us." All these guys do on the show is attempt to pick up girls and fail on epic proportions. Sure they get some girls back to their place, but not once do they ever score or have really any luck out of the clubs at all, yet they continue to think as themselves as if God was Italian's house warming gift to women. Mike "The Situation" is the worst of them both. In an attempt to explain who he is, Mike has been quoted to say “This situation is indescribable. You can’t even describe the situation that you’re about to get into the situation.” They're obsessed with bringing girls back to the hot tub. Gee whiz, let's use the next best thing to a date rape drug and seduce a girl who is drunk back to a hot tub where we can take her top off and make out a little. Maybe if we're lucky we can have sex and with every thurst shove dirty highly chemical treated water up her 'calzone.' This guy constantly swings for the fences and comes back from the bar with either A) beer goggles covered in mud worthy girl with clearly low self esteem or B) his friend Pauly D. I seriously do not understand how these two take themselves seriously let alone any one else in the world around them take them seriously. Just look at Pauly D's hair? I recently saw a blonde kid in a local pub here on Sunday night with a similar haircut and I was nearly floored to realize that this is an actual style. I think I'd off myself if I found out that a girl I had a crush on liked a guy like this. Clearly, that crush would desolve quicker than sugar in water, but the knowledge that I liked this particular girl would get me up in that noose again.

JWOWW, well there isn't much to say that can't be said with a picture. She looks and acts like an Italian American pornstar. That's about it. Fake boobs, obvious bad complexion under her 8 lbs. of make up and hair extentions. I realize this is more attractive than the sexual vibe Snooki, Pauly D and The Situation are putting out because this sort of stuff sells in Vegas and Playboy, Penthouse, Porn, are all on the horizons for JWOWW, but still. ugh. Her latest venture I've seen is sexy lingerie for women. Good for you girl, the Pussycat Dolls made their mark, why not just follow in those whores footsteps and make ridiculously overpriced lingerie that a guy just wants to rip off you anyway. The only good thing I can say about JWOWW is that she back handed "The Situation" in the face and it was pretty glorious.

The show I get, well at least why people watch it. Pure ridiculousness. I get it, it sells because people want to see how F'd up these people are and what situations they get into. I can't for the life of me, contemplate how this Ed Hardy, massive motif T-shirt wearing, ridiculously ripped, egotistical, catty, hair extensions, trucker hats, gotti looking, over competitive personalities exist, but apparently they make a "good" concept for a show. When it comes to the fashion, I don't get it either. How does anyone go out in public thinking Ed Hardy trucker hats, shirts, pants, shoe laces, or whatever looks at all good. Wearing a massive rhinestone fleur des lis or a fake-diamond encrusted tiger attacking a whale or whatever with an overly confusing Ed Hardy designed hat makes you look like idiot. Plain and simple. Wearing fur ugs, sweat pants and a very deep v-neck blouse exposing most of your fake breasts that look like the doctor put to salad bowls underneath your skin and sewed you up makes you look like an idiot. Plain and simple. I would only hope that most of the shows followers watch the show knowing full well these people are morons when it comes to a lot of aspects of life.

I don't really get it I guess. I can't seem to watch a show like this without judging the people and the society that watch it. Some of you may say that I'm commiting to the hype, or the viewership by watching it, true, I'll give you that one. However, in my defense I can safely say that I was looking for something to make fun of and blog about for a better part of 2 weeks and Jersey Shore came on television as if God appeared before me and slammed my face with a bowl of pasta filled with rhinestones and hair gel. So yes, I watched some episodes of Jersey Shore and yes I wasted yet more hours of my life writing this for likely fairly limited readership, but at least I get to post this. (That's Snookidorf)


Back in Janurary Michael Cera as a promo stunt for his movie he hung out with the Jersey Shore crew and basically breaks down every episode of this so-called show by partaking in certain aspects of the guidos & guidettes life. Watching this I almost get the feeling that some of these guys actually know that they look ridiculous, but do it anyway. Well done Michael.