Come join us in celebrating Joy Smith's upcoming baby girl!
Sunday September 12th, 2010
1:00pm - 4:00 pm
Deerville Rd, My Life As I Know It Is Over, Ontario
R.S.V.P. to Sarah Jone's (555) 555-1111
Joy is registered at Baby R' Us (So you best buy her shit there! She doesn't need no toasters from Sears)
Baby showers. I get them. I understand why they happen. Celebrating a birth and helping out a family with buying them baby items like strollers, cribs, swings, toys, baby clothing, pornography for the man while he waits for his wife to be "ready" again...stuff like that. I mean it is a concept I'm not against, but I definitely can't see a Baby Shower ever being a fun. (Women reading this crossing there arms saying "not true!" ....Pipe down! you know I speak the truth.)
This weekend a lady friend of mine is being forced to attend to a baby shower for a relative she does not particularly want to go to. It is not because she doesn't like this relative or she's a bad person. Nothing like this. She has just has a strong premonition that her afternoon is going to be completely lame and for all intent purposes she is 100% correct. Its going to suck crap. I'm no psychic, but I can predict its going to be her sitting around for a few hours not thinking about babies or pregnancy, but thinking about everything else she could be doing other than this. Some may ask, why Blob are you writing about Baby Showers? Here is my answer, shut up and you will read what I write. Anyhoodle, I did a quick investigation about baby showers on the internet since I've never been to one myself. I actually found this site that has a section for Baby Shower Ettiquitte. I clicked on it and apparently this what should be done at a Baby Shower;
What timeline does a typical Baby Shower party follow?
This timeline is a suggestion and one possible order of events for a baby shower. Use this as an outline for yours and mix up the order and duration of the events, or add or remove events according to your preferences and needs.
• A baby shower typically lasts about 2 hours.
• Guests arrive.
• Greet them at the door.
• Welcome Everyone there.
• Recognize the guest of honor (the Soon-to-be-Mommy), and let her make any comments that she might like to make (warn her ahead of time).
• Make introductions, or have each guest introduce themselves and how they know the expectant mother, or have the expectant mother introduce each guest, and how she knows each one.
• Serve any snacks or appetizers and beverages you have.
• Play 2-3 baby shower games. This helps the guests get to know each other and gets everyone into a "party" mood.
• Serve any main dishes and/or desserts or baby shower cake.
• Gather everyone around to watch the expectant mother open her gifts.
• Ooh and Aah. : )
• Chat, have fun, eat more, giggle and laugh as needed : ) Guests often chat awhile after gifts are opened, and then gradually they will begin to leave.
• As guests begin to leave, pass out your baby shower favors.
Holy crap, are you serious?! This is what my lady friend has to go through?! Maggie I'm sorry, but looks like you're in for a wiiiilllldddd day (so much sarcasm i'm actually puking it). What in the hell kind of afternoon is this? "Play 2-3 baby shower games. This helps the guests get to know each other and gets everyone into a "party" mood." Party mood? Party mood?!! Puts people in the "party" mood? How on earth is playing some baby shower related games going to make any one want to party, or how they're likely putting it at the shower "get jiggy with it" - said like a super white 50 year old mother while she does some weird out-of-touch dance and your grandmother is clapping in the background because something is moving in front of her and she has no clue where she is or who these people are around her.Let me present something to you all. And for those throwing or planning to throw a baby shower in the near future, take a note. I'm going to take the list of etiquitte procedures and tweak them slightly to fit something else.
What timeline does a typical Funeral follow?
This timeline is a suggestion and one possible order of events for a Funeral. Use this as an outline for yours and mix up the order and duration of the events, or add or remove events according to your preferences and needs.
• A Funeral typically lasts about 2 hours.
• Guests arrive.
• Greet them at the door.
• Welcome Everyone there.
• Recognize the guest of honor (the dead dude in the casket), and let him make any comments that he might like to make which is likely nothing since he's dead (warn him ahead of time, but its likely that he won't listen).
• Make introductions, or have each guest introduce themselves and how they knew the deceased.
• Serve any snacks or appetizers and beverages you have.
• Play 2-3 funeral games for the kids. This helps the guests get to know each other and gets everyone into a "party" mood, and helps them forget that grandpa is dead.
• Serve any main dishes and/or desserts or cake.
• Gather everyone around to view the body one last time before it is brought to the cementary
• Crying. : (
• Chat, have fun, eat more, giggle and laugh as needed : ) (because may I remind you, you're at a funeral you sicko) Guests often chat awhile after the casket is removed , and then gradually they will begin to leave.
• As guests begin to leave, pass out your thank you's and funeral favors.
Did anyone else see this similarity after reading the first baby shower suggestion list? C'mon it sounds to me like a funeral. And we all know, unless you're Irish, funerals just aren't fun and neither are baby showers.
I know baby showers were created by middle aged women, namely mothers and aunts. There is no doubt about it. Its written in the make up and breakdown of their so called "party." Snacks handed out, sitting around in a circle chatting and exchanging pleasantries, taking time to greet your guests. OKAY. I'm all for some sort of manners, but jeeeesusssss, unless your greeting your guests with a shot of iced stoli or you're in the Whitehall in 1534 and you're the King of France and King Henry VIII is there to welcome you, then let them find you and say what up. Even women out there that don't like Superbowl parties or other male oriented themed parties have to admit that there is a lot better chance they are going to have fun at something like a UFC party than a Baby Shower. First, guys don't care if you don't pay attention to the game/event so long as you're not in front of the television during it. I've even been to Grey Cup games that people don't even seem to care if you do that or not! They treat these afternoons/evenings like it's St. Patricks day and its an excuse to eat finger food, junk food, have an assortment of dips surrounding them and drink on a Sunday. Soon-to-be-mother 's on the other hand would likely gossip or make a smirk or have some bitchy off-handed comment towards you if you weren't paying attention to her while she's sitting in the middle of the room in a chair being flooded with gifts because you were actually comparing stories about the past friday with the only other single girl close to your age at this shower. What kind of party is this when you have a time and place slotted to "Ohhh and Ahhh" over presents. Good lord.
(Picture above: 4 women faking their happiness/fun and all would rather be elsewhere)Conversations at a Gold Medal Hockey Game:
"Holy shit, did you see that cheap shot? Ohhh man, speaking of cheap shots, so the other day I'm in the grocery store picking up some items for dinner and this guy totally ran into me with his shopping cart and called me an asshole."
"What did you say back?"
"Nothing, it was early and I had a fight with my girlfriend the night before so I didn't get much sleep and I wasn't going to get into it with this douche over something like this. So I just shook it off and walked on."
"Ahh what a dick, what was the fight about with Helen?"
"Oh just told her this baby shower she was going today was going to be boring as piss on a plate and she didn't like that too much. I told her even though she hates hockey, that this party would be better. Plus! Deb was going to be here and at least they could talk if she didn't feel like hanging with the guys. Right Deb?"
"Fuckin' right! where is she anyway? that lame baby shower ended two hours ago. I'm the only girl here! I don't mind though... good excuse to get sloppy drunk, eat wings and not give a shit if my crack is showing because of my low waisted jeans!"
-High fives all around and back to the game and into other random conversations.
Baby Shower Conversation:
Woman #1 "Ohh I figured you'd need that!"
Mother-To-Be "What is it?"
Woman #1 "Its a breast pump silly! You'll need it because when that kid starts teething your nipples are going to be sooo sore"
Woman #2 "Ohhhh she's right, she's so right Joy, mine bled!"
-Laughing and giggling all around because they're discussing something personal in an open situtation without the use of alcohol. Having no interest in breast pump talk, a secondary conversation emerges in the background between the older sister and her younger sister.
Younger Sister "So tell me about this boy, is he cute?"
Older Sister "Yeah I like him a lot, we seem to have great se..."
Mother cuts into the conversation between the sisters
Mother "Shhhhh both of you. Joy is opening her gifts!"
Like Joy needs utter silence to concentrate on opening gift bags. Oh god forbid Joy hears anything more than the ripping of the scotch tape between her fingers while she's opening a gift shaped like a baby monitor. Here is something you should think about Joy. No one, including yourself is having fun right now. Unless you're some attention whore, no one in their right mind likes opening gifts in front of other people so why not just save them until later and do something else than sit around for an hour and open everyone's gifts. Its awkard, boring and you girls could be doing something much more creative and fun than this. I realize that alcohol isn't necessarily involved in a Baby Shower due to the mother-to-be being unable to consume it and its like blowing smoke in the face of a person trying to quit smoking. Its just not fair. But if you can't drink is the next best thing sitting around in some sort of semi-circle watching and admiring gifts this woman is opening like she's 5 years old? I'm reading on this same website I got the etiquitte garbage on and it states:"Is it OK if an expectant mother has more than 1 baby shower?
You bet! Only you shouldn't plan more than 1 of them. It is becoming quite common for an expectant mother to have 2 baby showers or more."
Are you serious?! People have to sit through this crap more than once? That's like having 3 Sunday church masses with a monotone 70 year old priest 3 days in a row, or only in hell, 3 one after another in the same afternoon.
Seeing as we've all come to realize by this point that a Baby Shower is not fun and never will be fun unless something out of the ordinary happens then why not brainstorm and get creative. It can't be that difficult to think of something other than what traditional Baby Shower's have to offer. Maybe try having someone a little younger plan it, like your single friends (maybe a younger sister(s))? Let them organize things instead of a 50-70 year old woman. Don't let your mother plan your baby shower if you want to have fun, and its better off just not letting them get involved at all. If you end up doing something that appeals to the younger crowd, then they'll love it just the same because it'll make themselves feel young again. Think about it. Mothers and aunts love bachelorette parties they able to attend and are likely to get more sloshed than any of your 20-30 year old girlfriends will.
Maybe get a guy or two involved in the planning? Not like strippers, but...scratch that. Get a stripper or two. Get this stripper guy to hand out gifts with his junk swinging around or peeking out of some man diaper. All ripped and oiled up in a baby's bonet and a soother hanging around his neck. Do something! I'll hire him myself for my wife because I won't have her sit through such boring nonesense for an afternoon while I'm free to do whatever I want since I'm not invited, "its a girls thing." Hint: The guy is never dissapointed with this...like at all. He loves the idea he's not even invited so he doesn't have to turn it down. Here's my biggest suggestion then, get the males involved. Get the boyfriend/husband and his friends involved. I know, I know, its the mom's (girls) day...well if the mom wants a fun day and has any sort of happy, loving relationship with her boyfriend/husband then ask him and his buddies who throw year after year great sporting event parties to help plan this baby shower and maybe males will start getting dissapointed when they aren't invited. They got something going right. People always look forward to the parties and lets face it, guys know how to have a good time even in the weirdest situations. And screw opening presents in front of everyone. They all know what they got you and you probably do too. There is only so much someone can buy for a Baby Shower. Save the opening with your husband because in the end he was the only one who helped you get these presents. Trust me, getting the man involved everyone will likely have a better time and may result in something like this.
In the end I reiterate, I am not against the idea of a Baby Shower. I think its great because when I'm a soon-to-be father I don't want to take money that my wife and I earned to buy a stroller, when someone else is willing to buy it for us. No one would, so bring on the Baby Shower. I also think its nice to celebrate the coming birth. But when the idea and events surrounding this celebration makes me want to go to a wake instead then there is a problem. Maybe I'm just being a typical man. A typical guy who just wants fun and partying and doesn't understand the civilness and fun that can be had at a quiet function with just the girls. I've never been to a baby shower so how should I know? Well ladies, maybe you're right...But maybe read over this website I was looking at earlier under the etiquitte section and tell me if this makes a Baby Shower sound fun. Nothing is fun with this many guidelines/suggestions. Its ridiculous! http://www.plan-the-perfect-baby-shower.com/baby-shower-etiquette.html
There is a difference between having a "nice time" and a "great time." Everyone says they had a "nice time" when they really didn't. It was a "nice time" during dinner when I met your new boyfriend who is a complete douchebag but I don't have the balls to tell you right now that he's completely wrong for you. Oh we had a "nice time" at the cottage but your kids are such bastards and broke my fishing rod I wish they were my own so I could beat them. I had a "nice time" at today's Baby Shower even though it was a complete bore and would have rather been reading a book in the park in a thunderstorm. I can't speak for her, but I can almost gaurentee that my lady friend will be telling her relatives she had a "nice time," when she's leaving but all the while thinking to herself "thank God this afternoon is over."
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