The Adventures of Breaking Up With The Blob

So it was Thanksgiving Weekend here in the Great White North that is Canada this past weekend. It is a time when families gather around their dinner tables sharing stories, laughs, drinks and slices of turkey with gravy and seasonal vegetables. It's our final holiday before the frost begins to roll in over our lawns and winter rears its ugly, yet magestic head. It is also the first time many students retreated back home since they started post-secondary education in what is often a new and exciting city. Their past month has been filled with meeting new people, starting classes, going to parties, getting fimilar with going to class hungover on a weekday and waking up in strange beds. Some don't experience this, but most students do. Which brings me to what other event we celebrate this past weekend. The Turkey Dump! I'm sure most of you know what the Turkey Dump is, but for those new to the scene or just the term is unfimilar, its basically when a boy or girl goes back home to their boyfriend or girlfriend and breaks up with them because University/College has opened their eyes to bigger and better lays...I mean things. yeah..things. New horizons, new possibilities, a new life. No one wants restraints or something like a boyfriend holding them back in the coming months, or years ahead. These boys and girls realize that the significant other that got them through the testing times of Highschool just doesn't cut it anymore. They can either smell their new prey lurking at class, keggers, the bars, or they have already had sex with a hall-mate who they found cute the first week and now have to choose what to do...The hallmate (or the possibility of multiple hallmates) tends to always win. On occassion both girlfriend and boyfriend return back to their respected dormitories after the long weekend winners because both of them saw the new freedom that post secondary education brought them and think it would be best to go their seperate ways and stay friends. This happens on occassion and its a huge weight lifted off both of their shoulders because the idea of either finding out they "cheated" on each other with guys would make things just awkard. The Turkey Dump can be a uplifting or downright miserable experience. Whatever roll you end up playing in the Turkey Dump, you got to go through shit to come out clean, and able to go down on someone new on the other side. So The Blob is talking breakups and it only feels right to talk about it on the weekend I'm suprised Hallmark hasn't jumped on yet, Thanksgiving/Dumpsgiving

　
In the next few paragraphs I will be giving those who wish to break up with their other half a few tips and strategies. If you already went through with it, mayb you should have went these routes instead. I will also present some coping ideas and suggestions to help those having their hearts torn out of them to get through the next few days, weeks, months depending on how pathetic you are.

How to Break Up With Someone: Strategies For Crushing Hearts By The Blob

One thing that people should be aware of before they break up with someone is how many different options you have to break up. There is always another option to the one you've thought of. Most people go the route of sitting on a bed giving some sort of back story to legitimize their reasons behind not wanting to see the other person naked anymore. There are the typical lines like;


"I think we should see other people."
"I can't handle a relationship right now."
"I see us more as friends than lovers."
"I hate you."
"Stop talking to me, you're ugly and have a small dick."
"I like big tits, if you don't want to get enlargements whats the point in seeing you?"
"I'm gay."
"I'm straight."
"You're a whore. Bye."

In the end it's always the same. You break-up. So why not try something new?!

The Philosopher
Objective: To confuse & wonder what just happened as you make your timely exit. Use a lot of bunny ear quotation gestures with your fingers...like all the time. It helps with you looking smart.

Todd: Babe, I've been doing a lot of thinking while I've been away at University. I was in class the other day and the professor was talking about Descartes and just thought like maybe "us" shouldn't be "us" anymore and we should become "I".  It was like an, what do you call those...uhhh, its like a quick idea...like the light bulb thing? Oh an "epihany." I had an epihany while I listened to him. It, like, came to me all of a sudden, but it was like I had known it all along. Its been at the back of my mind, which has been opened up to new possibilities and schools of thought since I've been away. I just need to seek out what I need in life right now and I don't want something, even if its you, holding me back from what I'm going to become, you know? And I don't think "you" should have "me" keeping "you" like a prisoner anymore. I read The Count of Monte Cristo in English Lit. class last week and I don't want to have you have the same fate. Just not fair. I'm giving you wings and I want you to find your own "destiny."

Britney: What the fuck are you talking about?

Todd:  (Whispering patting her head) Don't make this harder than it already is babe. This is real and you have to know its real. Real is right now and its real.

The Upper-Hand
Objective: To get the upper hand on the situation. Finish the sentence yourself and win.

Britney: Todd, I think we need to bre...
Todd: ....I'm breaking up with you! I win! (Quickly run away from the table leaving him/her with the cheque.)

The Humphrey Bogart
Objective: Play on a classic movie quote to help ease the pain

While grabbing her firmly with both hands throw out a quote from Casablanca. She probably won't understand so slap her around a bit. Don't worry, you're Bogey, nothing can happen. Make sure you smell like gin and stale cigerettes. Gender reversel for this one is encouraged.



Abra Cadabre or "The Houdini"
Objective: Quick and painless with the use of magic

While sitting at a resturant, ask if they want to see a "cool trick". Place your napkin on and/or in front of your face. Say "Abra Cadabre" and quickly then throw the napkin towards him/her and run away. Again leaving him/her with the cheque.
words.

Technologic
Objective: Use technology to your advantage by texting a break up message.

From Britney to Todd: u + me = over, lolz. dun call me again. : )

Alternative: Use your facebook status
Todd Scaggs so hungover but football pool done. Britney, I don't think we should see each other anymore. Go Giants Go! Taking a nap before the game..

　
The Andy Kaufmann
Objective: Fake your own death.

Get friends and family involved. Its a great bonding experience. Tricky part is that you likely will have to change your job, move, wear some sort of disguise like a wig or fake moustache and join new social circles. Eventually the person you were seeing will stop caring and if by chance they see you pretend your a ghost.

The Columbian Vacation
Objecive: End the relationship with a powerful alley, fear.

Kidnap his/her cat, dog, or favourite pair of boots/signed sports memorabilia. Leave a randsom note on his/her bedside table threatening that said item will be disposed of if your break up demands are not met. Remind them you know where he/she lives and you know that "thing" about them. They may not have a "thing" but they don't know what you know. Leave them guessing. They have to give in.
　
Look Who's Coming To Dinner
Objective: Bring a surprise guest to a dinner date. Be creative.

Bring a surprise guest on a date. Some of my favourites would be your "boyrfriend" Mark. The genius here is that if you're a girl bringing Mark, your other boyfriend will only be too quick to walk away or break it off while if you're a guy bringing your "boyfriend" Mark on a date, well...you get the idea. Bring your cat or dog to dinner and dress it up in formal attire. Ask for a third seat for it to sit at. Another idea would be to borrow a baby from someone and bring it to dinner saying its your son or daughter. The baby surprise is a sure-shot winner.

The Fashion Symbol
Objective: Don't say it wear it.

Go to one of those custom t-shirt shops and get them to put what you want to say on a t-shirt.
Examples:
            (1) Welcome to Dumpsville
                 Population: You

             (2) Dumps Like A Truck (with a small picture of a dump truck)
             (3) (On the front) Guess What?
                   (On the back) I'm Breaking Up With You
                      - key to this one is walk away when you turn around
            (4)   (In blurry lettering) If You Can Read This You're Too Close And I Have Attachment  Issues, Sorry. So I Think Its Better We End This Now.

Ghost Writer
Objective: Leave creepy notes around your apartment written to you by your own hand


Example: Hey Todd, you're handsome and usually remember, but don't forget to pick up milk on your way out today. By the way, you may want to try combing your hair the other way tomorrow. Just once, just try it, it'll look good I swear. Also, don't worry about what Britney says...it is all about you in bed, keep it up champ!

Self-Help Yourself Out
Objective: Casual and sublimial messages without saying a word.


Buy a bunch of "How to Break Up" books and leave them around your apartment. You may also want to use a highlighter and highlight A LOT of the pages.
An alternative would be to buy creepy self-help books about depression or How To: Taxidermy At Home!

Tresure Island
Objective: A fun activity for both participants...well until the end.


Send them on a treasure hunt around town leaving clues and notes at different locations. To keep them interested make some of the locations spots you went on a date to. At the final spot leave a break up note and maybe like $15.00 for a cab back home.

Broadway Bound
Objective: Show them a different side of you in bed.


Start singing show tunes at the top of your lungs while having sex. Enough said.

**Authors Choice Award**

The Pat Bateman/Returning Videotapes
Objective: Do it like Patrick.


Watch the movie way too much and pull quotes out far too often in your boyfriend/girlfriends presence. Not going to lie, this works better if you're a guy. Rent the movie with her even though you already own it. I can express it enough, quote the movie and laugh. Then pull this out at the dinner table




Coping Techniques and Strategies To Get Over That Special Someone By The Blob

Getting over a break-up is never an easy thing to do when you're the one who got broken up with. Sure, sometimes its hard for the person breaking up with a person who they have cared for and maybe at one time never saw themselves doing this, but the chances are the person intiating the break up will feel relieved that they finally went through with it while the person hearing "I think we should end things," is likely contemplating suicide. That's a bit dramatic, but definitely eating themselves out of depression. Here's a few coping techniques to ensure your heart will mend quicker.

The Picaso
Objective: Using simple art and no face to face time. Revenge is best served in an art form.


Spray paint his/hers car or front door. If in your case you're an artist, try simple paint and smooth brush strokes.
For a female; slut, bitch, cunt, cheating whore.
For a male; prick, asshole, pussy prick, cheating dick, small dick, or fag.
 To avoid police reports and run ins with the law, you may want to use obtuse or hidden wording or abstract art to vent your anger.

Look To The Skies　
Objective: Make the clouds get over the person faster.


Hire a skywritter with one of those planes to spell out your pain in the sky. It could be fact or fiction you write. No one really knows the difference anyway.
Example: "Britney, you cheating whore", "Todd, you gave me the clap, we're done!"

The American Psycho
Objective: Healing through Pat


Watch American Psycho...a lot.


Okay...Let's BE Friends!
Objective: Make them end your friendship too.

No one really wants to hear "I still want to be friends with you" after that person has just ended your relationship together. Its just not helpful. Sure maybe they do want to be your friend in the long run and maybe you will want to be there's, but at that exact time, its just not a helpful line with coming to terms to why you feel like your going to throw up, cry and smash a window all at the same time. The common thinking of most individuals, like myself, who hear that line is that you have enough friends to handle let alone someone you just want to see naked again and not have buddying up to you and sharing stories about this "guy/girl I'm dating now" when you still have feelings for them. Plus being their friend and still having feelings for them is worse than dipping your finger that has a hangnail in a bucket of lime juice. It's the worst. Trust me. Plus even the people saying they want to be friends with you, may not want it either. Its a line that sometimes slips out out of A) pity or B) careless thinking.  However, if you find yourself in a situation where the girl/guy has made this commitment and accidentally said they still want to be friends when you're pretty sure they don't want to be, advantage = you. Become their friend immediately, but a friend they wished they didn't have. Make them know that being in a relationship was easier than being in a friendship with you. Take guys/girls home from the bar, have sex with them, then text them messages about it (in graphic detail. Include pictures with thumbs up coming from you while the girl or guy is asleep naked) Pull pranks on the person constantly. Show up at their door, force yourself in with a bag full of movies or drag the person out with you and go play tackle football in the park. Surprise them while they're taking a shower almost on a weekly basis. Hit the town with them, get the person wasted, leave them somewhere and go home, because friends do that. Talk about the show Lost way too much, but its okay because we're friends! Make them babysit your cat or dog for like 2 weeks even though you're still in town. Leave a bunch of random crap at their place. Make them help you move. Combine the two things and store things, ie; clothing, movies, a desk, matresses, sacks of pornography etc., at their place between moves. Whatever you end up doing to them/with them, make sure they regret uttering the words "lets still be friends though." If you're not doing to help yourself, you're helping the next guy or girl afterwards.


The John Cusak
Objective: Reach her through music.


Re create the scene from the 80's hit movie Say Anything staring John Cusak when he plays Peter Gabriel out of his boombox on his ex's front line. But instead of "In Your Eyes" play something else that expresses the way you feel. Take this for example:




All jokes aside, break-ups are never fun. No one I think takes pleasure in them unless you're some Patrick Bateman sociopath who enjoys inflicting others with heartache. Despite some of my past articles and some comments made towards the meatloaf lovers out there (I want to stick hot needles in your eyes you sick freaks), I do have a heart and it has been chipped away before. I have endured some hardships over a girl(s) in my past and some break ups have stung more than others. I seem to be able to count on 1 hand the girls who have had my heart in the grasp and gave it back to me. Some of you girls may be reading this and you likely know who you are. All I will say is kudos to you ladies and let it be known at this point in time in my life I don't wish any ill-will towards you for doing so. Such is life and life goes on. You all had your reasons and I respect that and in most cases your honesty. I also touch on the idea of "lets be friends" and in all honesty, sometimes it works. With time, strength and a whole lot of patience, it can work. In the end, break ups happen just like everything else in your own little worlds. For the most part, you will look back on the time you had your heart given back to you and laugh thinking that wasn't so bad as it felt then. Its like when you're in Highschool and you look back to Elementary school saying "why did I care so much?" And then you're in University or College looking back to Highschool thinking "Why did I care so much?" It can apply to the schooling itself or all the little inbetween things in your social life. No matter what, you tend to move on to bigger and better/wose things. So if you were a participant in the Turkey Dump, all joking aside, take this new opportunity to spring into action. If you dumped someone, go do what you said you were going to do. Make sure that stuff you spit at your now ex wasn't a bunch of lies. Make new friends, do your school work, go out to bars and if you want to make out with that guy/girl over there do it. If you were dumped, take it as a fresh start. No attachements and no more worry about what the hell your girlfriend/boyfriend is up to 3 hours away. You'll save money on your phone bill and trips going to see him/her. Take that money and now spend it on yourself. It'll be hard for the first while, but you'll get over it. Best coping advice I can give? Give it time. Trust the Blob and all his wisdom. and Patrick Bateman.