Blabbing To The Blob Session #1

I have a massive erection!

Get your attention? good, keep reading, I'm about to answer some age old questions for some select few who emailed me over the past two days. As I announced this past friday night on The Adventures of the Babe and the Blob I would become a life coach to whoever needed it and emailed me there questions. I'm very qualified for this, did I mention I was in Mensa? Unfortunately, I got kicked out for spiking the punch with cocaine. Sigmund Freud was a cokehead and figured Stephan Hawkins would be rad high on coke. I was trying to bring the rukus to this lame annual Mensa pot-luck! This year it was at Alice Cooper's pad. Anyway, I upper-decked his toilet and stole a homemade apple pie that Academy Award winning-actress Gena Davis brought to the pot-luck. If you don't know who that is, its the girl from A League of Their Own and yes, she's in Mensa, look it up! Oh and so is Asia Carrera who is a pornographic actress. I was surprised to see her at the party. We ended up hitting it off and played Uno. She beat me 2 out of 3 times. Anyway....Lets begin the first session of Blabbing to the Blob!

Our first question for this evening session is from T from Toronto. He writes:

Why are women such nut jobs? Its not all me is it?

This is a very common question in life and a common question among indivduals who have come to me for advice. First, I will say that no its not ALL you, rest assured some of it is I'm sure, but not all of it. But T, you're in luck. I did some scientific research months back after a streak of bad luck with girls. I found conclusively through a series of trial and error scenerios that woman are born with small glands found in their boobs behind their areolas (see diagram 1).

Diagram 1:

These glands release a small amount of liquid that is instantly absorbed into the blood. It attaches itself to oxygen molocules and is transferred from their boobs into their brains causing women to loose control of their sense of needs and desires. This inbalance creates a "hot and cold" syndrome as I've called it. This "Hot and Cold" can result in such behaviour which will come off as "this girl is right out of her f**king mind." Some symptoms that her insanocrazyoculous glands have reacted are; She will give off mix signals, liking a guy one day and disliking him the next, getting angry over a spoon left on the counter, getting into fights for funsies, etc. I could go on, but I digress. The only way to get rid of "the crazy" in women is to cut off their boobs, thus disabling the insanecrazyoculous glands but that leaves us, men, with nothing to stare at while at the dinner table and nothing to picture masturbating and crying in the shower. So T, I am sorry, but unless you want a titless girlfriend, you'll have to bare with the nut job in every woman once and a while. I will give you one peice of information I found during my study however. For the cases of "random fighting" that may occur during a relationship or even early on in dating, if you sense that she is about to bring up a fight or strike you with a small dish of decrotative soaps, pull out your junk and say "I think I have an in-grown hair on my balls...it hurts" and then try really hard to cry. It seems to calm them down.

Thanks for the question T, I hope it helps.

Our second question comes from Peter Z from Toronto. He writes:

I recently inherited a lot of money, where should I invest it?

Well Peter, first if we haven't learned anything about the past year and the economy, I strongly advise against investing your money In fact if you have a bank account, I would probably close it and take all your money home with you. This way you can always keep an eye on it. I'd keep it in a shoebox or many shoeboxes depending on your financial situation. Nike make good boxes. I for one, use Royal Blob Scotia Trust. Its my own bank I made underneath my bed. It comes equip with 3 Nike shoeboxes, a bow and arrow for security and a safety deposit box (an old Sears box I got a sweater in 6 christmas's ago). Its pretty sweet. Anyway, so yes, don't invest. Spend. Help the economy. Good places to spend your money are electronic stores, dog/horse tracks, and asian flea markets. If you're looking for tax breaks with your newly acquried money, donate to a charity. I normally go through my cupboards and find expired kraft dinner and Campell's Chucky soup and send them in the mail to the Heart And Stroke Foundation or The War Amps. Your not going to eat expired anything so why not make a good deed out of it. Plus a good deed will go along way with karma, and never know, enough good deeds another family member may die and you'll get more money!

I hope this helps Peter, good luck with all your endevours!

The last question I'll answer is from Adam also from Toronto. Lot of fans from Toronto apparently. Adam writes:

What are you wearing?

Easy. Nothing but saran wrap around my groin area. Sounds weird right? its not. You know when you go outside in the winter and dive into snow then into a hot tub and the excilerating feeling you get? Well its like that when I unwrap the saran and blow on my testicles.

Well that's all for today's session. Thanks everyone for participating and reading along. Other questions? well email The Blob, at babeandtheblob@gmail.com and I will attempt to help in our next session next Sunday, April 4th. Everyone have a safe and lovely Monday!

Saving The World From A Chair Eating A Subway Sandwhich

So I've decided to become a life coach. I know, big step, but it seems I'm needed out there. I had a conversation today with, Raymond, a dear friend of mine and one of my loyal, yet crafty followers (not crafty as in making quilts, i'm talking like breaking into banks or stealing the crown jewels, that sort of crafty). Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, why I decided to become a life coach. So Raymond and I were in a Subway eating some tuna subs with jellybeans and enjoying some root beers. We were almost finished our tunabean melts when this woman walks through the front enterance crying uncontrollably. She was sobbing and you couldn't understand what she was saying. Raymond stood up and went over to her placing his arm over her shoulder. As she was sniffing and holding back her cries of sadness, waiting to hear what sort of wisdom Raymond had to share with her to help her in this dire time, Raymond leaned in and said "Don't worry girl, you're not that ugly." Immediately she shoved Raymond away causing him to fall backwards and trip into the mop bucket beside the 'Staff Only' door. I could only sit there in awe of how badly Raymond handled the situation. Due to Raymond's poor choice of words and body language, the young girl became irrate. Screaming like a woman in need of an exorcism and swinging her oversized knockoff Coach purse over her head as if it were a weapon used in medieval times around the Subway resturant at the paying costumers, I could not stand back and see her do this to herself and endanger all of us trapped here inside (plus, my tunabean melt was getting cold and I only had like 4 bites left...). I stood up and dodging her attacks went in towards her left ear and whispered to her what Raymond should have said in the first place and we could have avoided a scene from Braveheart. I can not tell you readers what I told her, but in seconds she stopped her attacks on myself, Raymond and the rest of the Subway patrons staff. She smiled, let me feel her boob for about .20 seconds and walked out the door whistling Rude Boy by Rhianna. The girl at the cash began to cheer and handed me back my $7.24 out of the register and said "your lunch is on me, you big hunk" while the rest of the staff and customers cheered.

I got the idea to become a life coach here on the internet from that event this afternoon, oorrrr maybe it was just Raymond and I talking about how it would be a good idea for me to answer people's lifes questions on the blog for fun. One or the other, whatever. Minor details anyway.


Introducing, this Sunday March 28th, 2010, Blabbing To The Blob, a weekly column that will have me answering difficult life questions that may plague all of you out there. Whether it be career advice, love/sex advice, what movie you should rent, what music you should listen to before the club, fashion advice, what underwear you should wear on a third date because its either going to be this date or the next when your going to have sex with this guy and you don't want him seeing your oversized 'Laundry Day' underwear. Or what about pressing questions like what should I do if swarm of birds attack me? Anything and everything is accepted because the Blob knows all. Even if I don't know anything about the subject, I'm going to give you an answer anyway. So send your questions at babeandtheblob@gmail.com and starting this Sunday those agonizing questions you've been longing to have answered will be. If you wish to be anonymous, you can be. Don't worry, I took the Hippopotomus oath apon graduating from Cornel University and I have credentials to prove it. Everything will remain very hush hush, you know, doctor-patient confidentialilty.

So remember, email me at babeandtheblob@gmail.com with your questions and I will post my responses here on The Adventures of the Babe and the Blob blog this Sunday and every Sunday from here on out. Let the blabbing begin!

Another news brief I should mention is that a post from our lovely own The Babe is up and coming. I'm getting her up to speed on technology and the idea of having a blog. Don't blame her, she's a babe so she hasn't needed to use the internet like I have to pick up love interests. So keep your eyes peeled!

Sidenote; I found this video today and thought it was pretty funny. All you non-nerds out there...he's playing a video game.






P.S. Ask your local Subway sandwhich artist about the Tunabean Melt!

Death, Dreams and Fried Rice

Okay folks, serious news....
I just woke up this morning at approximately 8:34AM with my first "real" nosebleed. I say real because I've never reeeaaallllyyy had one before. I've had the odd dry air makes my snot all bloody and I blow my nose and see red or I don't have a kleenex so I wipe it on my arm and now there is snotty blood all over my arm, but I've never had a so-called "gusher". I was enjoying a nice dream that involved me going in on a Saturday morning to the Royal Bank to do some banking for work at the Business Services wicket window. Odd, normally I go to Sparks street, but in my dream its now on George where the Home Hardware store is. Haha, dream, you so crazy! Surprisingly enough, the lovely woman June who often helps me when I'm there was there. I found it strange that she would be there being it a Saturday morning and I pegged her as a 9-5 kind of gal, oh well. Now flashback to reality where I sense a cold substance running out of my left nostril. Thinking its only a runny nose since I've been fighting a cold the past 2 weeks I pull the "screw you runny nose, you're not ruining my dream sequence!" and I wipe it on my arm and tuck my arm underneath my pillow and I go back to speaking with the Royal Bank branch manager (in my dream....for those who can't follow along). Within seconds my nose is running again with the same cold substance. Ugh, I have to get up and blow my nose. I open my eyes and move my body in order to get up out of bed and viola! blood everywhere. All down my arm, all over my pillow and even my wall., yes my wall. Jesus Henry Christ, there is blood everywhere!

Minutes pass and before I know it I feel like some sort of seriel killer cleaning up after a kill. There I am with blood on my face/beard and arms, wiping blood smears on the wall, and taking my sheets into my kitchen sink and scrubbing them with hot water and a hard thistled brush in my underwear and slippers with kleenex jammed up my nose. Club soda get blood out or is it vinegar? Or is it just good ol' fashion hard work? Its tough to google these things in a panic, espeically when there is DNA evidence everywhere.

There is an idea of a Blob; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there.



What does this bloody nose mean? Am I dying? The last will and testament of The Blob. No one reading this will get anything of mine. I'm going to be buried with my dvd collection. I blame the open window in the back and the drop in the temprature creating a drying affect in my nasal canal for creating such a scare. But now I'm up and its created something to write about in my memoirs.

"Tuesday March 23rd I experienced my first nose bleed. Like a wet dream I awoke to a sight unseen before. Horrified and slightly concerned it was at this time however, I discovered the missing component to my time machine"

an excerpt taken from The Blob's 5th novel,

When I Punched Hitler In the Sack and Shaved His Moustache: Time Travel and Its Radness

Whatever this nosebleed means in the cycle of my life other than now I need to buy more kleenex and that I have left over chinese food in the fridge from last night, I shouldn't let it bother me.
Helpful Tip of the Day: Order a little extra chinese food with the idea of having left overs for the next 2 days. Not only will you be able to enjoy your Oriental delights for more than one meal, but...well actually thats about it. Its smart! and you'll be thanking me when you're filling your mouths with beef and black bean sauce 3 days in a row! Or for you vegetarians/health conscious out there chow mein for 3 days!

All I know is that its about 9 something in the AM and I'm contemplating having an eggroll for breakfast in my boxer shorts (and slippers) with a wad of kleenex stuck up my nose. What a fine tuesday this has become!

Oh and as promised an orangutang riding a bike. ENJOY!

We Should Be On CBC Radio, But This Blog Will Have To Do.

So sitting here trying to give you all a description of this blog I'm left wondering why the hell I even started this thing? Well, earlier today I was talking to one of my muses, The Babe, a nickname I gave her months ago and she asked if I was attending a soiree this evening that a few of our friends would be part of. Let's provide you all with a run down of our Blackberry Messenger conversation:

Me: and then I woke up and for some reason I had the fridge door open and I was urinating all over my food.

The Babe: Weird. Anyway, are you going to that ultra hip cool soiree tonight? I heard everyone was going and I was hoping you'd attend to entertain me. I loathe most of the people going.


Me: Hmmm, not sure, probably not. I'm feeling fairly lazy today. I know its nice outside and all, but I just can't seem to get off my ass. I did get a shawarma earlier. It was delicious, but walking to get it then having to eat it exhausted me.

The Babe: You have like 6 hours to be lazy you blob! you're ridiculous

The"New" Blob: I love how you just called me a blob

The Babe: Oh that. Ha Ya! love new nick names - the adventures of the Babe and the Blob

The Blob: We will have to start a webblog

The Babe: Oh done!

(pause as I peel an orange and watch Canadian Parliament on CPAC)

The Babe: Anyway, I have to go, I'll message you later after my work out. Hypothetical question: would you sleep with me if I got a chest tattoo of my boobs ontop of my boobs so it looked like I had 4 boobs?

The Blob: This is a delicious orange.

Okay so that's me paraphrasing the conversation. Not sure how it exactly went, but it was something like that. Anyway, the middle part was right and that's basically how this blog started. seriously! So from now on keep checking back to us.

The Babe and the Blob are here to entertain your warped minds and provide you a spot to waste an extra 15mins of your lives on absolutely nothing but; Rants, love advice/tips, music, videos/pictures of bear attacks, movie reveiws, fashion tips, faux pas to avoid, and more of everything!

And as promised, a picture of a woman getting attacked by a polar bear! Enjoy!