I just woke up this morning at approximately 8:34AM with my first "real" nosebleed. I say real because I've never reeeaaallllyyy had one before. I've had the odd dry air makes my snot all bloody and I blow my nose and see red or I don't have a kleenex so I wipe it on my arm and now there is snotty blood all over my arm, but I've never had a so-called "gusher". I was enjoying a nice dream that involved me going in on a Saturday morning to the Royal Bank to do some banking for work at the Business Services wicket window. Odd, normally I go to Sparks street, but in my dream its now on George where the Home Hardware store is. Haha, dream, you so crazy! Surprisingly enough, the lovely woman June who often helps me when I'm there was there. I found it strange that she would be there being it a Saturday morning and I pegged her as a 9-5 kind of gal, oh well. Now flashback to reality where I sense a cold substance running out of my left nostril. Thinking its only a runny nose since I've been fighting a cold the past 2 weeks I pull the "screw you runny nose, you're not ruining my dream sequence!" and I wipe it on my arm and tuck my arm underneath my pillow and I go back to speaking with the Royal Bank branch manager (in my dream....for those who can't follow along). Within seconds my nose is running again with the same cold substance. Ugh, I have to get up and blow my nose. I open my eyes and move my body in order to get up out of bed and viola! blood everywhere. All down my arm, all over my pillow and even my wall., yes my wall. Jesus Henry Christ, there is blood everywhere!
Minutes pass and before I know it I feel like some sort of seriel killer cleaning up after a kill. There I am with blood on my face/beard and arms, wiping blood smears on the wall, and taking my sheets into my kitchen sink and scrubbing them with hot water and a hard thistled brush in my underwear and slippers with kleenex jammed up my nose. Club soda get blood out or is it vinegar? Or is it just good ol' fashion hard work? Its tough to google these things in a panic, espeically when there is DNA evidence everywhere.
There is an idea of a Blob; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there.
What does this bloody nose mean? Am I dying? The last will and testament of The Blob. No one reading this will get anything of mine. I'm going to be buried with my dvd collection. I blame the open window in the back and the drop in the temprature creating a drying affect in my nasal canal for creating such a scare. But now I'm up and its created something to write about in my memoirs.
"Tuesday March 23rd I experienced my first nose bleed. Like a wet dream I awoke to a sight unseen before. Horrified and slightly concerned it was at this time however, I discovered the missing component to my time machine"
an excerpt taken from The Blob's 5th novel,
When I Punched Hitler In the Sack and Shaved His Moustache: Time Travel and Its Radness
Whatever this nosebleed means in the cycle of my life other than now I need to buy more kleenex and that I have left over chinese food in the fridge from last night, I shouldn't let it bother me.
Helpful Tip of the Day: Order a little extra chinese food with the idea of having left overs for the next 2 days. Not only will you be able to enjoy your Oriental delights for more than one meal, but...well actually thats about it. Its smart! and you'll be thanking me when you're filling your mouths with beef and black bean sauce 3 days in a row! Or for you vegetarians/health conscious out there chow mein for 3 days!
Helpful Tip of the Day: Order a little extra chinese food with the idea of having left overs for the next 2 days. Not only will you be able to enjoy your Oriental delights for more than one meal, but...well actually thats about it. Its smart! and you'll be thanking me when you're filling your mouths with beef and black bean sauce 3 days in a row! Or for you vegetarians/health conscious out there chow mein for 3 days!
All I know is that its about 9 something in the AM and I'm contemplating having an eggroll for breakfast in my boxer shorts (and slippers) with a wad of kleenex stuck up my nose. What a fine tuesday this has become!
Oh and as promised an orangutang riding a bike. ENJOY!
1 comment:
This blog is RiDICKulous
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