Get your attention? good, keep reading, I'm about to answer some age old questions for some select few who emailed me over the past two days. As I announced this past friday night on The Adventures of the Babe and the Blob I would become a life coach to whoever needed it and emailed me there questions. I'm very qualified for this, did I mention I was in Mensa? Unfortunately, I got kicked out for spiking the punch with cocaine. Sigmund Freud was a cokehead and figured Stephan Hawkins would be rad high on coke. I was trying to bring the rukus to this lame annual Mensa pot-luck! This year it was at Alice Cooper's pad. Anyway, I upper-decked his toilet and stole a homemade apple pie that Academy Award winning-actress Gena Davis brought to the pot-luck. If you don't know who that is, its the girl from A League of Their Own and yes, she's in Mensa, look it up! Oh and so is Asia Carrera who is a pornographic actress. I was surprised to see her at the party. We ended up hitting it off and played Uno. She beat me 2 out of 3 times. Anyway....Lets begin the first session of Blabbing to the Blob!
Our first question for this evening session is from T from Toronto. He writes:
Why are women such nut jobs? Its not all me is it?
This is a very common question in life and a common question among indivduals who have come to me for advice. First, I will say that no its not ALL you, rest assured some of it is I'm sure, but not all of it. But T, you're in luck. I did some scientific research months back after a streak of bad luck with girls. I found conclusively through a series of trial and error scenerios that woman are born with small glands found in their boobs behind their areolas (see diagram 1).
Diagram 1:
These glands release a small amount of liquid that is instantly absorbed into the blood. It attaches itself to oxygen molocules and is transferred from their boobs into their brains causing women to loose control of their sense of needs and desires. This inbalance creates a "hot and cold" syndrome as I've called it. This "Hot and Cold" can result in such behaviour which will come off as "this girl is right out of her f**king mind." Some symptoms that her insanocrazyoculous glands have reacted are; She will give off mix signals, liking a guy one day and disliking him the next, getting angry over a spoon left on the counter, getting into fights for funsies, etc. I could go on, but I digress. The only way to get rid of "the crazy" in women is to cut off their boobs, thus disabling the insanecrazyoculous glands but that leaves us, men, with nothing to stare at while at the dinner table and nothing to picture masturbating and crying in the shower. So T, I am sorry, but unless you want a titless girlfriend, you'll have to bare with the nut job in every woman once and a while. I will give you one peice of information I found during my study however. For the cases of "random fighting" that may occur during a relationship or even early on in dating, if you sense that she is about to bring up a fight or strike you with a small dish of decrotative soaps, pull out your junk and say "I think I have an in-grown hair on my balls...it hurts" and then try really hard to cry. It seems to calm them down.
Thanks for the question T, I hope it helps.
Our second question comes from Peter Z from Toronto. He writes:
I recently inherited a lot of money, where should I invest it?
Well Peter, first if we haven't learned anything about the past year and the economy, I strongly advise against investing your money In fact if you have a bank account, I would probably close it and take all your money home with you. This way you can always keep an eye on it. I'd keep it in a shoebox or many shoeboxes depending on your financial situation. Nike make good boxes. I for one, use Royal Blob Scotia Trust. Its my own bank I made underneath my bed. It comes equip with 3 Nike shoeboxes, a bow and arrow for security and a safety deposit box (an old Sears box I got a sweater in 6 christmas's ago). Its pretty sweet. Anyway, so yes, don't invest. Spend. Help the economy. Good places to spend your money are electronic stores, dog/horse tracks, and asian flea markets. If you're looking for tax breaks with your newly acquried money, donate to a charity. I normally go through my cupboards and find expired kraft dinner and Campell's Chucky soup and send them in the mail to the Heart And Stroke Foundation or The War Amps. Your not going to eat expired anything so why not make a good deed out of it. Plus a good deed will go along way with karma, and never know, enough good deeds another family member may die and you'll get more money!
I hope this helps Peter, good luck with all your endevours!
The last question I'll answer is from Adam also from Toronto. Lot of fans from Toronto apparently. Adam writes:
What are you wearing?
Easy. Nothing but saran wrap around my groin area. Sounds weird right? its not. You know when you go outside in the winter and dive into snow then into a hot tub and the excilerating feeling you get? Well its like that when I unwrap the saran and blow on my testicles.
Well that's all for today's session. Thanks everyone for participating and reading along. Other questions? well email The Blob, at babeandtheblob@gmail.com and I will attempt to help in our next session next Sunday, April 4th. Everyone have a safe and lovely Monday!
No comments:
Post a Comment