Blob Talks Baby Showers: Where Fun Is Like Flying Hippos...Non Existent.

Oh Baby! its a baby shower!
Come join us in celebrating Joy Smith's upcoming baby girl!

Sunday September 12th, 2010
1:00pm - 4:00 pm
Deerville Rd, My Life As I Know It Is Over, Ontario

R.S.V.P. to Sarah Jone's (555) 555-1111
Joy is registered at Baby R' Us (So you best buy her shit there! She doesn't need no toasters from Sears)

Baby showers. I get them. I understand why they happen. Celebrating a birth and helping out a family with buying them baby items like strollers, cribs, swings, toys, baby clothing, pornography for the man while he waits for his wife to be "ready" again...stuff like that. I mean it is a concept I'm not against, but I definitely can't see a Baby Shower ever being a fun. (Women reading this crossing there arms saying "not true!" ....Pipe down! you know I speak the truth.)

This weekend a lady friend of mine is being forced to attend to a baby shower for a relative she does not particularly want to go to. It is not because she doesn't like this relative or she's a bad person. Nothing like this. She has just has a strong premonition that her afternoon is going to be completely lame and for all intent purposes she is 100% correct. Its going to suck crap. I'm no psychic, but I can predict its going to be her sitting around for a few hours not thinking about babies or pregnancy, but thinking about everything else she could be doing other than this. Some may ask, why Blob are you writing about Baby Showers? Here is my answer, shut up and you will read what I write. Anyhoodle, I did a quick investigation about baby showers on the internet since I've never been to one myself. I actually found this site that has a section for Baby Shower Ettiquitte. I clicked on it and apparently this what should be done at a Baby Shower;

What timeline does a typical Baby Shower party follow?
This timeline is a suggestion and one possible order of events for a baby shower. Use this as an outline for yours and mix up the order and duration of the events, or add or remove events according to your preferences and needs.

• A baby shower typically lasts about 2 hours.

• Guests arrive.

• Greet them at the door.

• Welcome Everyone there.

• Recognize the guest of honor (the Soon-to-be-Mommy), and let her make any comments that she might like to make (warn her ahead of time).

• Make introductions, or have each guest introduce themselves and how they know the expectant mother, or have the expectant mother introduce each guest, and how she knows each one.

• Serve any snacks or appetizers and beverages you have.

• Play 2-3 baby shower games. This helps the guests get to know each other and gets everyone into a "party" mood.

• Serve any main dishes and/or desserts or baby shower cake.

• Gather everyone around to watch the expectant mother open her gifts.

• Ooh and Aah. : )

• Chat, have fun, eat more, giggle and laugh as needed : ) Guests often chat awhile after gifts are opened, and then gradually they will begin to leave.

• As guests begin to leave, pass out your baby shower favors.


Holy crap, are you serious?! This is what my lady friend has to go through?! Maggie I'm sorry, but looks like you're in for a wiiiilllldddd day (so much sarcasm i'm actually puking it). What in the hell kind of afternoon is this? "Play 2-3 baby shower games. This helps the guests get to know each other and gets everyone into a "party" mood." Party mood? Party mood?!! Puts people in the "party" mood? How on earth is playing some baby shower related games going to make any one want to party, or how they're likely putting it at the shower "get jiggy with it" - said like a super white 50 year old mother while she does some weird out-of-touch dance and your grandmother is clapping in the background because something is moving in front of her and she has no clue where she is or who these people are around her.

Let me present something to you all. And for those throwing or planning to throw a baby shower in the near future, take a note. I'm going to take the list of etiquitte procedures and tweak them slightly to fit something else.

What timeline does a typical Funeral follow?
This timeline is a suggestion and one possible order of events for a Funeral. Use this as an outline for yours and mix up the order and duration of the events, or add or remove events according to your preferences and needs.

• A Funeral typically lasts about 2 hours.

• Guests arrive.

• Greet them at the door.

• Welcome Everyone there.

• Recognize the guest of honor (the dead dude in the casket), and let him make any comments that he might like to make which is likely nothing since he's dead (warn him ahead of time, but its likely that he won't listen).

• Make introductions, or have each guest introduce themselves and how they knew the deceased.

• Serve any snacks or appetizers and beverages you have.

• Play 2-3 funeral games for the kids. This helps the guests get to know each other and gets everyone into a "party" mood, and helps them forget that grandpa is dead.

• Serve any main dishes and/or desserts or cake.

• Gather everyone around to view the body one last time before it is brought to the cementary

• Crying. : (

• Chat, have fun, eat more, giggle and laugh as needed : ) (because may I remind you, you're at a funeral you sicko) Guests often chat awhile after the casket is removed , and then gradually they will begin to leave.

• As guests begin to leave, pass out your thank you's and funeral favors.

Did anyone else see this similarity after reading the first baby shower suggestion list? C'mon it sounds to me like a funeral. And we all know, unless you're Irish, funerals just aren't fun and neither are baby showers.

I know baby showers were created by middle aged women, namely mothers and aunts. There is no doubt about it. Its written in the make up and breakdown of their so called "party." Snacks handed out, sitting around in a circle chatting and exchanging pleasantries, taking time to greet your guests. OKAY. I'm all for some sort of manners, but jeeeesusssss, unless your greeting your guests with a shot of iced stoli or you're in the Whitehall in 1534 and you're the King of France and King Henry VIII is there to welcome you, then let them find you and say what up. Even women out there that don't like Superbowl parties or other male oriented themed parties have to admit that there is a lot better chance they are going to have fun at something like a UFC party than a Baby Shower. First, guys don't care if you don't pay attention to the game/event so long as you're not in front of the television during it. I've even been to Grey Cup games that people don't even seem to care if you do that or not! They treat these afternoons/evenings like it's St. Patricks day and its an excuse to eat finger food, junk food, have an assortment of dips surrounding them and drink on a Sunday. Soon-to-be-mother 's on the other hand would likely gossip or make a smirk or have some bitchy off-handed comment towards you if you weren't paying attention to her while she's sitting in the middle of the room in a chair being flooded with gifts because you were actually comparing stories about the past friday with the only other single girl close to your age at this shower. What kind of party is this when you have a time and place slotted to "Ohhh and Ahhh" over presents. Good lord.



(Picture above: 4 women faking their happiness/fun and all would rather be elsewhere)

Conversations at a Gold Medal Hockey Game:

"Holy shit, did you see that cheap shot? Ohhh man, speaking of cheap shots, so the other day I'm in the grocery store picking up some items for dinner and this guy totally ran into me with his shopping cart and called me an asshole."

"What did you say back?"

"Nothing, it was early and I had a fight with my girlfriend the night before so I didn't get much sleep and I wasn't going to get into it with this douche over something like this. So I just shook it off and walked on."

"Ahh what a dick, what was the fight about with Helen?"

"Oh just told her this baby shower she was going today was going to be boring as piss on a plate and she didn't like that too much. I told her even though she hates hockey, that this party would be better. Plus! Deb was going to be here and at least they could talk if she didn't feel like hanging with the guys. Right Deb?"

"Fuckin' right! where is she anyway? that lame baby shower ended two hours ago. I'm the only girl here! I don't mind though... good excuse to get sloppy drunk, eat wings and not give a shit if my crack is showing because of my low waisted jeans!"

-High fives all around and back to the game and into other random conversations.

Baby Shower Conversation:

Woman #1 "Ohh I figured you'd need that!"

Mother-To-Be "What is it?"

Woman #1 "Its a breast pump silly! You'll need it because when that kid starts teething your nipples are going to be sooo sore"

Woman #2 "Ohhhh she's right, she's so right Joy, mine bled!"

-Laughing and giggling all around because they're discussing something personal in an open situtation without the use of alcohol. Having no interest in breast pump talk, a secondary conversation emerges in the background between the older sister and her younger sister.

Younger Sister "So tell me about this boy, is he cute?"

Older Sister "Yeah I like him a lot, we seem to have great se..."

Mother cuts into the conversation between the sisters

Mother "Shhhhh both of you. Joy is opening her gifts!"

Like Joy needs utter silence to concentrate on opening gift bags. Oh god forbid Joy hears anything more than the ripping of the scotch tape between her fingers while she's opening a gift shaped like a baby monitor. Here is something you should think about Joy. No one, including yourself is having fun right now. Unless you're some attention whore, no one in their right mind likes opening gifts in front of other people so why not just save them until later and do something else than sit around for an hour and open everyone's gifts. Its awkard, boring and you girls could be doing something much more creative and fun than this. I realize that alcohol isn't necessarily involved in a Baby Shower due to the mother-to-be being unable to consume it and its like blowing smoke in the face of a person trying to quit smoking. Its just not fair. But if you can't drink is the next best thing sitting around in some sort of semi-circle watching and admiring gifts this woman is opening like she's 5 years old? I'm reading on this same website I got the etiquitte garbage on and it states:
"Is it OK if an expectant mother has more than 1 baby shower?
You bet! Only you shouldn't plan more than 1 of them. It is becoming quite common for an expectant mother to have 2 baby showers or more."

Are you serious?! People have to sit through this crap more than once? That's like having 3 Sunday church masses with a monotone 70 year old priest 3 days in a row, or only in hell, 3 one after another in the same afternoon.

Seeing as we've all come to realize by this point that a Baby Shower is not fun and never will be fun unless something out of the ordinary happens then why not brainstorm and get creative. It can't be that difficult to think of something other than what traditional Baby Shower's have to offer. Maybe try having someone a little younger plan it, like your single friends (maybe a younger sister(s))? Let them organize things instead of a 50-70 year old woman. Don't let your mother plan your baby shower if you want to have fun, and its better off just not letting them get involved at all. If you end up doing something that appeals to the younger crowd, then they'll love it just the same because it'll make themselves feel young again. Think about it. Mothers and aunts love bachelorette parties they able to attend and are likely to get more sloshed than any of your 20-30 year old girlfriends will.

Maybe get a guy or two involved in the planning? Not like strippers, but...scratch that. Get a stripper or two. Get this stripper guy to hand out gifts with his junk swinging around or peeking out of some man diaper. All ripped and oiled up in a baby's bonet and a soother hanging around his neck. Do something! I'll hire him myself for my wife because I won't have her sit through such boring nonesense for an afternoon while I'm free to do whatever I want since I'm not invited, "its a girls thing." Hint: The guy is never dissapointed with this...like at all. He loves the idea he's not even invited so he doesn't have to turn it down. Here's my biggest suggestion then, get the males involved. Get the boyfriend/husband and his friends involved. I know, I know, its the mom's (girls) day...well if the mom wants a fun day and has any sort of happy, loving relationship with her boyfriend/husband then ask him and his buddies who throw year after year great sporting event parties to help plan this baby shower and maybe males will start getting dissapointed when they aren't invited. They got something going right. People always look forward to the parties and lets face it, guys know how to have a good time even in the weirdest situations. And screw opening presents in front of everyone. They all know what they got you and you probably do too. There is only so much someone can buy for a Baby Shower. Save the opening with your husband because in the end he was the only one who helped you get these presents. Trust me, getting the man involved everyone will likely have a better time and may result in something like this.

In the end I reiterate, I am not against the idea of a Baby Shower. I think its great because when I'm a soon-to-be father I don't want to take money that my wife and I earned to buy a stroller, when someone else is willing to buy it for us. No one would, so bring on the Baby Shower. I also think its nice to celebrate the coming birth. But when the idea and events surrounding this celebration makes me want to go to a wake instead then there is a problem. Maybe I'm just being a typical man. A typical guy who just wants fun and partying and doesn't understand the civilness and fun that can be had at a quiet function with just the girls. I've never been to a baby shower so how should I know? Well ladies, maybe you're right...But maybe read over this website I was looking at earlier under the etiquitte section and tell me if this makes a Baby Shower sound fun. Nothing is fun with this many guidelines/suggestions. Its ridiculous! http://www.plan-the-perfect-baby-shower.com/baby-shower-etiquette.html

There is a difference between having a "nice time" and a "great time." Everyone says they had a "nice time" when they really didn't. It was a "nice time" during dinner when I met your new boyfriend who is a complete douchebag but I don't have the balls to tell you right now that he's completely wrong for you. Oh we had a "nice time" at the cottage but your kids are such bastards and broke my fishing rod I wish they were my own so I could beat them. I had a "nice time" at today's Baby Shower even though it was a complete bore and would have rather been reading a book in the park in a thunderstorm. I can't speak for her, but I can almost gaurentee that my lady friend will be telling her relatives she had a "nice time," when she's leaving but all the while thinking to herself "thank God this afternoon is over."

If God Had Food Poisoning From A Sketchy Italian Eatery It Would Be MTV's 'The Jersey Shore'

I just witnessed the death of television. It involved MTV and a bunch of self-proclaimed "Guido's & Guidettes." I realize Jersey Shore has been on television now for a better part of a year and has a fairly devout following consisting of either fellow douchebags/douchettes or in the majority of cases people who just want to see this spectacle unfold. Watching it, I felt like back in 2001 when the twin towers were crumbling before my eyes and the horror of reality. It was hard to watch, yet I watched it anyway. Well, welcome to 2010 some 9 years later and Osama has struck again by executively producing this show (maybe not directly, but Taliban HAS to be funding this). I write this on the brink of Season 2 premiere tonight, Thursday July 29th on MTV where the cast moves from the slums of Jersey to Miami to party with/no where near CB1, LeBron and Wade, where I think every cast member, may actually appear more tanned then those three.




So let this outrage begin. Here I am eating a peanut butter and jam sandwhich, a classic, with some orange juice flipping through the complete dullness that is Saturday afternoon television. Last thing I remember I was flipping past sports updates on The Score and the next thing I know I'm blinking for the first time in 35mins, I can't remember my name and it appears I've just botched my own suicide by not tying the noose tight enough. When I look up and onto the television I see how I got myself into this situation...Mike "The Situation" is staring me down flexing his muscles and attempting to teach me how to maintain looking good at all times by following "G.T.L. baby" or in other words working out, tanning and doing laundry. Thanks Mike, I'll remember that the next time I go out. You're a life saver!

So after I take my neck out of the noose and sit back down on the bed contemplating how many people would show up to my funeral, I look back up and another episode is starting. It seems I've come across a Jersey Shore marathon on MTV. Well, well, aren't I lucky. Perhaps with a lot of focus, or none at all, depending on how you look at it, I can sit through one of these episodes and find out what all this fuss is about. Why is this a popular show? Well from what I can tell just based on the opending credits is that the Jersey Shore is just a cheap Real World filmed in Little Italy Jersey. As the show goes on, its basically just that. A bunch of Italian, highly egotistical and sexually and aesthetically driven Italians living under one roof. There isn't much special about the show and I don't think the creators even believe themselves that it is some feat in reality television. The only difference between The Jersey Shore and shows similar such as The Real World and Big Brother, is that there are a lot more arguements, physical fights, pasta, tans and a troll that lives in the house. I thought this a bit odd at first that they would incorporate this mythical woodland creature normally found in fairy tales and fantasy films, but perhaps they were trying to bring a new audience demographic into the fold and thought a troll....wait....is that a girl? Holy hell.

Snooki. Okay, so while I'm wasting my Thursday afternoon writing this blobetorial on Jersey Shore, I might as well start by talking about the biggest waste of space on this planet, Snooki. I'm sure she's a sweet gal, but only when she doesn't talk, it's pitch black and I don't have a face because it was biten off by a racoon. Her appearance alone gives me that feeling I just ate something that has gone bad in my fridge, quick give me a garbage can or a sink so I can spit this out immediately feeling. You know that time in space between when you realize it has gone bad and when you get to spit it out? It's horrible. It's as if you're suffocating, feel like vomitting and wishing you could erase this experience out of your memory after its over with because you'll never look at that peice of food/drink the same way all in less than 3 seconds. Well Snooki's appearance is similar in all the same ways I've just listed. I feel sick, want to erase this from my memory and TV will never be the same. Then she opens her mouth. I don't even need to explain it in a creative way. Instead I decided to pull out my tape recorder and actually recorded from my television a conversation with Snooki and her new "gorilla juicehead" boyfriend.

In light of this part of my blobetorial I will call Snooki by her Troll name, Snookidorf.

Snookidorf: Meatball, Meatball?
Gorilla BF: How many balls do you want?
Snookidorf: I want two...in my face.

Snookidorf aside: Well, I'm done Snookin...for love. I found an amazing gorilla juicehead.

Gorilla BF: What? No Sausage?
Snookidorf: No, I didn't make sausage. You have that.

Snookidorf aside: Me and Emilio have been together for two and half months. I really don't want to cheat, like seriously I don't want to, but you know, if you're going to hand me a bottle of fricken SoCo something just comes over me, I just go crazy.

Snookidorf and her boyfriend are then shown in her room with her boyfriend Emilio with a spray on tan gun directed towards Snooki's face and her pulling back her hair.

Snookidorf: Just one more
Gorilla BF: One more?
Snookidorf: Yeah
Gorilla BF: Three coats? Jesus...

Sprays her like a guy spraying an ant hill with raid.

Snookidorf aside: I don't go tanning anymore because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning and I feel like he did that intentionally for us. McCain wouldn't have put a 10% tax on tanning...because he's pale and he'd probably want to be tanned.

Do I need to say more? I think she explains what I mean herself plus I don't want to talk about her anymore...it hurts my brain. The tan, the hair, the outfits, the walk, all that she cherishes as her good qualities just cries out to me to make fun of her and considering this blog is my Mt. Olympus of judgement, Snooki and the rest of her "crew" recieve no quater.

The rest of the crew are just as bad. Some less prodominent than others and the ones I won't really go into (Vinnie, Sweetheart and Ronnie) because I could think of about 101 things off the top of my head I'd rather be doing than this, but I have to, I must. Anyway, Pauly D and Mike "The Situation" are absolutely ridiculous. I can't really put into words how these two douchebags make my self esteem rise to new and exciting heights. Instead of dancing around, pumping their fists they should go on a nationwide tour to highschools with the motto "Don't worry, if you're fat or have acne or are shy around girls/guys at least you don't dress, act, and cut your hair like us." All these guys do on the show is attempt to pick up girls and fail on epic proportions. Sure they get some girls back to their place, but not once do they ever score or have really any luck out of the clubs at all, yet they continue to think as themselves as if God was Italian's house warming gift to women. Mike "The Situation" is the worst of them both. In an attempt to explain who he is, Mike has been quoted to say “This situation is indescribable. You can’t even describe the situation that you’re about to get into the situation.” They're obsessed with bringing girls back to the hot tub. Gee whiz, let's use the next best thing to a date rape drug and seduce a girl who is drunk back to a hot tub where we can take her top off and make out a little. Maybe if we're lucky we can have sex and with every thurst shove dirty highly chemical treated water up her 'calzone.' This guy constantly swings for the fences and comes back from the bar with either A) beer goggles covered in mud worthy girl with clearly low self esteem or B) his friend Pauly D. I seriously do not understand how these two take themselves seriously let alone any one else in the world around them take them seriously. Just look at Pauly D's hair? I recently saw a blonde kid in a local pub here on Sunday night with a similar haircut and I was nearly floored to realize that this is an actual style. I think I'd off myself if I found out that a girl I had a crush on liked a guy like this. Clearly, that crush would desolve quicker than sugar in water, but the knowledge that I liked this particular girl would get me up in that noose again.

JWOWW, well there isn't much to say that can't be said with a picture. She looks and acts like an Italian American pornstar. That's about it. Fake boobs, obvious bad complexion under her 8 lbs. of make up and hair extentions. I realize this is more attractive than the sexual vibe Snooki, Pauly D and The Situation are putting out because this sort of stuff sells in Vegas and Playboy, Penthouse, Porn, are all on the horizons for JWOWW, but still. ugh. Her latest venture I've seen is sexy lingerie for women. Good for you girl, the Pussycat Dolls made their mark, why not just follow in those whores footsteps and make ridiculously overpriced lingerie that a guy just wants to rip off you anyway. The only good thing I can say about JWOWW is that she back handed "The Situation" in the face and it was pretty glorious.

The show I get, well at least why people watch it. Pure ridiculousness. I get it, it sells because people want to see how F'd up these people are and what situations they get into. I can't for the life of me, contemplate how this Ed Hardy, massive motif T-shirt wearing, ridiculously ripped, egotistical, catty, hair extensions, trucker hats, gotti looking, over competitive personalities exist, but apparently they make a "good" concept for a show. When it comes to the fashion, I don't get it either. How does anyone go out in public thinking Ed Hardy trucker hats, shirts, pants, shoe laces, or whatever looks at all good. Wearing a massive rhinestone fleur des lis or a fake-diamond encrusted tiger attacking a whale or whatever with an overly confusing Ed Hardy designed hat makes you look like idiot. Plain and simple. Wearing fur ugs, sweat pants and a very deep v-neck blouse exposing most of your fake breasts that look like the doctor put to salad bowls underneath your skin and sewed you up makes you look like an idiot. Plain and simple. I would only hope that most of the shows followers watch the show knowing full well these people are morons when it comes to a lot of aspects of life.

I don't really get it I guess. I can't seem to watch a show like this without judging the people and the society that watch it. Some of you may say that I'm commiting to the hype, or the viewership by watching it, true, I'll give you that one. However, in my defense I can safely say that I was looking for something to make fun of and blog about for a better part of 2 weeks and Jersey Shore came on television as if God appeared before me and slammed my face with a bowl of pasta filled with rhinestones and hair gel. So yes, I watched some episodes of Jersey Shore and yes I wasted yet more hours of my life writing this for likely fairly limited readership, but at least I get to post this. (That's Snookidorf)


Back in Janurary Michael Cera as a promo stunt for his movie he hung out with the Jersey Shore crew and basically breaks down every episode of this so-called show by partaking in certain aspects of the guidos & guidettes life. Watching this I almost get the feeling that some of these guys actually know that they look ridiculous, but do it anyway. Well done Michael.

Ke $ HA! is a Lo$er

Ok I'm going to leave it up to you to decide. How would you describe Ke$ha?

A) A Loser.

B) A Loser.

I'll give you a hint, she's a loser. Yes, there is no other way of describing her. She is a certified loser on all fronts. I don't know really what distinguishes her from other pop artists out there that makes me want to punch her right in the face, but...oh wait, I want to punch her right in the face mostly because she's a fake, whacked out, rich 20 some year old making money off of other people's skill. I can't believe I actually put "skill" in the same sentence with Ke&ha, but I did. It needs to be said that it does take some skill to make one catchy single after another, but its not Ke%ha doing that, its the producers. She is just the face and somewhat voice in front of the song. These people make a beat and write the time signatures that make these songs catchy. Its an equation, a science if you will and these pop kids like Ke#ha and Justin Beiber reap the benefits. Nickelback have found the formula as well, and its why all their songs sound exactly the same when you break them down. They wrote one hit that caught ears about 9 years ago and they've writen almost every song since the same way. It's not talent, its cheating because the individuals who buy they're albums I can safely say, do not listen to enough music to know any better. Just like Ke*ha, they're morons. (If you do like Nickelback, safe yourself and go check out some new music and I'll still like you).

Case in point of her talents: Ke~ha performing on SNL prancing around like a lunatic in glow and the dark paint and barely hitting her notes.




So yes, we were talking about Ke!ha. So we've established she really doesn't have anything to do with why her songs are popular. It certainly can't be her lyrics that make the songs sell because I'm pretty positive she writes her own lyrics. You can really get a sense of her genius with lines like these;

“I threw up in the closet / And I don’t care.”

“Your love / Your love / Your love / Your love/ Is my drug / I like your beard”

“And now we lookin’ like pimps / In my gold Trans-Am / Got a water bottle full of whisky / In my hand bag / Got my drunk text on / I’ll regret it in the mornin’ / But tonight / I don’t give a / I don’t give a / I don’t give a”

“I’m pissin’ in the Dom Pérignon / (Come on. Let’s do it.)”

“Boy come on get your rocks off / Come put a little love in my glove box / I wanna dance with no pants on / Holla!”

“Cause the sun is coming up / And oh my God, I think I’m still drunk / Where’s my coat? / Where?”

“And now my heart is broken / Like the bottles on the floor / does it really matter? / Or am I just hung over you?”

"Whoa oh, there's a party at a rich dude's house"



Now that last quote is the actual song title as well...She has a song called "Party At A Rich Dude's House." Ohhh lordy. So yeah, I guess she's different from most pop stars and writes her own material...but is that a good thing? Maybe if I desperately grab at straws I could say something like at least we are hearing from Ke^ha herself and not some 40 year old man who writes her lyrics. But I'm not sure hearing what Ke()ha has to say is such a good thing. I mean, true, she proves my point that she is a loser with lines like “Don’t be a little bitch with your chit chat / Just show me where your dick’s at,” but I don't know if being right is worth the knowledge that this line was from her #1 hit 'Blah Blah Blah' and it got played about 30 times a day on the radio. Young girls are listening to this, and I sound like one of those concerned parents when I say, that's horrible thought.




Is it just me or does it seem like Ke?ha is forcing all of this? Her style and attitude just seems to be shoved in your face a little too aggressively for me to believe that she actually is the way she promotes herself to be. She wears what seems to be anything she can swipe from a second hand store's drop box just to create the same buzz as Lady Gaga except she fails miserably. Her "badass" attitude just doesn't seem to be her either. Like I wonder if she takes as much cock as she claims. I'm constantly reminded of a young French artist out of Ed Banger Records, Uffie, who when she emerged on the scene promoted herself in the same light. Difference being Uffie has talent. A party girl who liked to fuck and didn't give a shit. I basically just paraphrased most of Uffie's debut songs right there in that sentence. She looks sweet and innocent, but there just seemed to be more truth behind her lyrics and actions. Even if they were forcing that image, at least it worked. Uffie seems to be in control of her actions. If she wants to snort coke and do a guy in the bathroom its her decision. While Ke/ha claims she gets the boys, but what she leaves out is that the only time she gets the boy is when she gets stuffed while she's passed out drunk unbeknownst to her. Picture the scene of Casper raping a passed out Jennie in the movie Kids. I believed Uffie when she claims "I got my man, my sound, my glass, and im ready to fuck" more than Ke+ha when she belts out “Boy come on get your rocks off / Come put a little love in my glove box / I wanna dance with no pants on / Holla!" I can just picture Uffie being the cool girl at the party while Ke<>ha behing the first girl to get drunk, make out with 6 guys back to bacck, stumble into things and embarass herself and all of her friends when she pukes in the washing machine after blowing the ugly guy. Wait, maybe she is being "real" then.


If you find yourself dancing at a bar to a Ke$ha song, be a little ashamed, but not enough to stop having fun. Her producers have created some catchy songs and its not entirely your fault you want to dance to them when your drunk. Just remember to be sure you go to the washroom afterwards and wash your vagina or penis throughoughly, spell your name without any astrix's or dollar signs and make sure you aren't saying things like "I like Ke$ha because she's real" because if you do then you deserve to be puked on by your best friend standing next to you. Like right in the face with your mouth slightly open so the puke gets in a little. You know, how your bff Ke$ha would do it. She's a loser and you don't want to go down her path. Ke$!#%^&*()<>~ha in the end will amount to nothing really. She will keep making money as long as her record label backing her, but she will not make a big impact on the music industry. Having her song "Tik Tok" named the longest running number one debut single by a female artist since 1977 doesn't show her talent, it shows how ridiculous the music industry and society has become. The previous holder was Debby Boone for her single 'You Light Up My Life.' Big deal. At least Debby Boone didn't look like John Travolta




Oh how things have changed...

^--- p.s. look for the back-up dancer slip at 1:32mins

The Horror...The Horror...

My reaction after reading that The Karate Kid and The A-Team finished this past weekend in the #1 and #2 spots at the box office ----->

Absolutely disgusting. Yet another discouraging example of my constant dissapointment in Hollywood movies and with the population of North America who actually spend their money to see films like these ones. I get perplexed enough when I hear these movies are being made in the first place, but its truly a pull-my-hair-out experience when I find out they actually make a lot of money. It boggles my mind of how people can subject themselves to these movies. I really do want to meet the person who would come up to their friends and say;

"Yo guys, you want to go see A-Team tonight? Rampage Jackson is in it and that guy from the Hangover is in it, and that guy from District 9 is in it and that old guy that beats people up in that movie Taken is in it too. It looks really awesome!"- Reginald Douchebag III

If you are reading this and have seen The A-Team and or want to see it, stop reading my page immediately. I don't want to be your friend. I love when you get friends telling you "I knew it would be bad, but its entertaining." No...no it is not entertaining. Don't make that excuse. I would seriously rather paint my parents kitchen than go see these movies. Another of my favourites was "there wasn't anything else playing.." Then read a book! Go for a 1 hr 47mins walk. Go to a park and hangout with a friend. Or better yet sit in a room in the dark and really think about the mistake you were about to make by spending $11.00 on a movie that has Bradley Cooper shooting down a plane with a mounted gun while he plunges to earth in a tank. And "at least watch it before you judge," isn't going to fly here either. F you if you think I need to sit and watch these movies before I can say they're bad.

Jay Z took his wife Beyonce to check out The Karate Kid on cheap Tuesday because he's friends with Will Smith and figured why not. Wrong move Hova. This picture was taken within the first 5mins of dialogue. Both Jay Z and Beyonce walked out when Jackie Chan showed up in the movie.

If I had a 10-year old son and he asked me to go see The Karate Kid with him this weekend, I'd lean down towards his precious little ear and would say ever-so forcefully "No" and then pat his head for his young adolescent stupidity. Nothing really wrong with him asking me to go, he's 10! He doesn't know any better, but I do and as his father its my duty to save myself some money. Plus he gets his bad taste in movies from his mother who thought Marmaduke looked promising. I'd go rent him the original Karate Kid and although I don't even particularly like that movie, I'd make him watch that instead on the sole principle that I think its pathetic they remade it! The movie would be bad enough alone, but add a Justin Beiber theme song featuring Will Smith's kid rapping in it? yeah, kiddo...I'm not taking you to that movie. Now go ask your Mom about the time her and I went to see Sex and the City 2 and instead of watching it your baby sister was concieved. Oh ya! Forgot to tell you, you're going to have a baby sister to share your room with because I'm not giving up my den.

Satan Can Be Cute

So, I'm enjoying some drinks with The Babe and AGM on Saturday night right? We're having a good time, excited for what the night has to offer but then this bitch comes up to me and starts just really getting on my nerves. I don't just refer to her as bitch because I'm one of those guys that direct derogatory comments or names towards females just for kicks, no, I call her a bitch because she IS A BITCH. Like god, she was so annoying and she wouldn't leave me alone. I'm a pretty nice guy, but there are some out there that rub me the wrong way and she's one of them. At one point she looked like she was going to jump me and I bet if we were alone in an alleyway with one another, she would have, but lucky enough we were in front of friends. She's cute, and your eyes will be drawn to her if she enters a room, I will give her that. She came up beside me pretty early on in the night and I didn't notice her so she scared me, and if its one thing the Blob doesn't do is being scared without some sort of payback. So I sort of raised my voice at her and I may or may not have called her a "skanky whore," "or a "stupid bitch," or something on those lines, I can't really remember since I was in a blind rage. I didn't really feel good about it, I felt...wait, correction, I DID feel good about it because she is a skanky bitchy whore. She is not nice, throws hissy fits and shows her ugly side more than a friendly side and I can't respect that. So anytime I go over to my friends for a drink and if she's around I just stay on my toes and can't relax because I always think she's going to come out and claw my eyes out because of that comment I made towards her. I didn't apologize, just stopped talking to her and ignored her the rest of the night. My friend AGM seemed fine with her, actually dug her a bit but I hate her and I don't want her around me...ever.. Even if I was the last person on earth, I wouldn't want her as company. The hatred runs deep.


Oh by the way, the bitch's name is Bella, and she's a 9 month year old housecat, but despite that my opinion and comments towards her still stand. You're such a bitch, you bitch.